[caption id=”attachment_2530” align=”aligncenter” width=”238”] RAW - One Hour Longer! Because we couldn’t fit enough commercials into a two-hour show.[/caption]

RAW happened again last night.  The third installment of three hour shows.  I’m still not sure if I like the extra hour or not, considering we’ve had all of three shows to try it out so far.

Show #1,000 was good, show #1,001 was barely better than awful, and show #1,002 was, well pretty good to be quite honest.  I still found things that irritated the living piss out of me, but that’s to be expected when you have 17 monkeys with typewriters creating your scripts.

It was also supposed to be HBK Appreciation Night in San Antonio, but to the WWE’s credit, they saved most of the self-fellating for after the show went off the air.  I mean, we still had to endure an HBK segment in the ring where he’s just so honored and so thrilled and so taken aback and so gracious you guys!  But in the end, it wasn’t a show killer.

You see, the way I rate these shows is by how much of it I actually enjoyed compared to how much of it tried to give me brain hemorrhoids.  Surprisingly enough, and much to my chagrin, there were only a handful of things that really irked me, and the rest of the show was of good enough quality that I could over look them.  That doesn’t mean I’m not about to be an asshole anyways.

Let’s get started.

[caption id=”attachment_2531” align=”aligncenter” width=”300”] I really don’t care if the theme ISN’T dubstep, that’s what I’m calling it.[/caption]

So, we’ve managed to get rid of Nickelback, but now we’ve got something more akin to Dubsteb as an opening song.  Why is this so hard?  Get a song that’s more like stadium rock and less like Bieber Gone Wild.  Can we do that?

And the show opens up with AJ being welcomed by the Universe.  AJ, in turn, welcomes the Universe to the show.  Everyone’s feeling pretty welcomed about now.  And she’s announcing matches for the evening:

• Randy Orton to face Big Show
• Daniel Bryan to face John Cena
• and then Punk comes out to demand respeck!

And they have this back and forth thing where Punk isn’t sorry for anything he’s done.  If he’s sorry for anything he’s done it’s that he hasn’t done anything sooner.  I really don’t know what the hell he said, it was all stupid to me.  All I know is that he:

1. Wants Respect
2. Deserves Respect
3. Will forcefully take Respect
4. Respects the Pouch

[caption id=”attachment_2544” align=”aligncenter” width=”300”] CM Punk and Aretha Franklin Together for the First Time, At Last![/caption]

As much as I like Punk and as good as he can be on the microphone, I just want him to wrestle.  That’s what he’s best at and that’s what you should do with him.  A lot of people will disagree with me, but I can’t help it if they’re wrong.  Punk trying to be an angry whiny heel now just seems disingenuous to me.

So anyhow, Cena comes out.  Crowd chants their Cena chant and goes into preachifying Cena mode.  And then Big Show.  But AJ puts the brakes on this shit quick.  No fighting at her wrestling show!

So, because we haven’t heard Twitter or Tout or Myspace yet, we have a Universe Twitter-vote as to who Punk should face, after the commercial break. Should it be:

• #PunkMiz  (The Miz if you couldn’t figure that out)
• #PunkKane  (Kane, they mean Kane)
• #PunkRey  (That’s Rey Mysterio you guys.  Not some future laser weapon that attacks greaseballs)

Now’s your chance to TWEET before they wait 3 minutes and take a 3 minute commercial break.  We literally watched the arena crowd for 3 minutes before we went to commercial.  I guess they really wanted to see you guys do some Tweeting.  I hope you all voted for #PunkDoink instead.

Lawler about ruined his shorts with his Tweet enthusiasms.  He had a Tweetgasm.

Commercials

[caption id=”attachment_2532” align=”aligncenter” width=”300”] NO SOLDIER LEFT BEHIND![/caption]

So, did you guess who Punk would be facing?  Do you think it matters what you Tweeted?  It was Rey Mysterio even before they put the options up there.  You’re not going to have your newly turned heel face another heel champion, so Miz was out right away.  And Punk/Kane has been done, with Kane wanting to be an Anger Management Coach (CHARLIE SHEEN YOU GUYS) to Daniel Bryan.

And it was a match.  I mean, they’re both good and they worked their asses off for our enjoyment, but I feel like there was no reason for it other than to put the good Mexican luchador in the ring in San Antonio.  You know?  Match quality was very good, match purpose?  Not so much.

At one point Lawler mentions this nugget about Rey Mysterio.  37 year old Rey Mysterio.

There has never been a more popular star than this young man.

No?  Well you’re the expert. And young?  Maybe it’s relative, Lawler’s got to be turning at least 300.

[caption id=”attachment_2533” align=”aligncenter” width=”300”] Yeah, Jerry, you’re right. There’s never been a more popular superstar than Rey Mysterio.[/caption]

So as this match goes on, they set up their commercial break by having Rey do the flying dick to the face seated senton to Punk outside the ring.  We come back and they’re still going at it.  Jerry Lawler is still calling Rey and incredible young man.

Jerry?  Have you been watching the show over the last, oh, decade or so?  You should KNOW Rey Mysterio.  Maybe they were dubbing his lines, and he was really saying “This damned wetback” the whole time.  Seems more in line with Lawler’s way of thinking if you ask me.

So anyways, Punk wins this thing and we see Alberto Del Rio pulling up backstage in his fancy shmancy sports car worth lots and lots of monies.

Another commercial hits

[caption id=”attachment_2534” align=”aligncenter” width=”260”] Product Placement you guys.[/caption]

As we return, AJ is staring at a pair of Black Converse Allstar Wrestling Boots.  I’m not up on my wrestling fashion accessories, so I don’t understand the relevance of that.  I’m assuming Hipsters are invading?

Alberto comes in to talk to AJ about his not wanting to compete anymore until Summerslam.  She agrees with him, and he says “Good because that would be crazy if I had to compete.”  Uh oh.  He said the secret word!  AJ flips out and puts him in a match.  When does it take place?  NEXT!

And they do another commercial.  This is the shit that truly irritates me.  We come back for a 3 minute segment that does nothing but establish that the crazy chick is crazy.  That’s like telling us that water is wet.

[caption id=”attachment_2535” align=”aligncenter” width=”300”] Truly an epic matchup with absolutely ZERO implications for either man.[/caption]

Coming back, it’s going to be Christian facing Alberto.  And this is another solid match.  One that doesn’t really further any stories or build any interest for either guy, but as pure wrestling entertainment goes?  Good stuff to watch.

Alberto even gets more heelish in this match by hitting Christian with his wrestling boot and applying the cross armbreaker to win.  Why don’t they give that a cool, ADR inspired name already?  Cross Armbreaker is generic.  Why now the Royal Enchilada or something good and raycess for people to get upset about?

And now, Sheamus is on screen standing next to the car that ADR didn’t bother driving into the arena for some reason.  He calls ADR “Berty”  and decides to borrow his car for a joy ride around San Antonio tonight.  This becomes a sticking point for Cole and Lawler for the rest of the show.

Literally, they spend more time debating if the car was “stolen” or simply “borrowed” than they do calling the matches in the ring.  Seriously?  F*CK YOU.

Commercials

[caption id=”attachment_2536” align=”aligncenter” width=”300”] I’m gonna hug him and squeeze him and pat him and call him George![/caption]

Big Show and Orton are up now.

Lawler takes the time to remind us:

In case you missed it, RAW starts an hour early every week now!

If it starts an hour early every week, in about 4 months, you will be starting the show on Sunday night, Jerry.  How about you say:  ”RAW’s new start time is 8pm eastern”  Or, you know, just let people figure it out for themselves.  You’re really not helping anyone here.

As Big Show is wont to do, he slung Orton up on his shoulder, intending to ram him into the ring post.  As everyone Show ever tries this with is wont to do, Orton slid down off his shoulder and shoved Show face first into that same ring post.

It’s like Swagger trying a Swagger-bomb.  It NEVER WORKS FOR YOU STOP DOING THAT!

And we have a double countout.  Big show is pissed, Orton is pissed, they get back in the ring where Orton can at least hit the RKO to make the crowd happy.  Um, Big Show?  Let me ask you a question here, stay with me.

If you just signed an “iron-clad, big-money, guaranteed payment” contract with the WWE, why do you even bother wrestling?  Simply show up, when the bell rings, walk away.  EASY MONEY and instant HEEL HEAT!  Quit being a tough-guy, and be a dick.

Commercial

[caption id=”attachment_2537” align=”aligncenter” width=”300”] The Top of the Food Chain is still hungry. FEED HIM MORE![/caption]

It’s RYBACK vs Hawkins and Rex in a handicap tag team match.  Why is Ryback’s left eye all bloody?  Anyone?  Anyone at all?  Well, anyways, they do a little screen in screen promo for Ryback where he explains “Feed Me More”

Basically he says, welcome to the foodchain, feed me more.  I hope that cleared it all up for you.

Hawkins and Rex give Ryback some competition for this one.  It’s good to see he’s not just steamrolling his opposition each and every match now.  It’s also good to see he’s still as goddamn brutal no matter what.

Hawkins gets decapitated and pinned for the loss.  Ryback kicks all the ass.  I’d tune in for 3 hours of Ryback squash matches every day.

And they go to commercial AGAIN.  Seriously, there’s more commercials in this now than the Superbowl.

[caption id=”attachment_2538” align=”aligncenter” width=”200”] Nuh uh. Nope, no way. Not buying it. Don’t want it, don’t need it, won’t have it.[/caption]

SHIT.  AW and the Primetime Players are here to face Primo and Epico.  They start after each other before the bell, but then the bell rings and they decide to fight in the ring.

All bullshit aside, this match was bullshit.  NOBODY CARES ABOUT ANY OF THESE GUYS!  This is the WWE’s new “piss-break” match, since they’ve been real light on Diva’s matches lately.

As PTP does, they tried to walk out of the match before it was over, only this time Kofi and R-Truth came out in suits to make sure that didn’t happen.  Darren Young gets killed in the ring for the loss.  Again, NOBODY CARES ABOUT THESE PEOPLE KEEP IT ON SUPERSTARS DAMMIT!

Backstage, Ace Reporter Josh Mathews asks Damien Sandow to explain his actions last week in beating down the Funkasaurus.  Sandow says that dancing is for fools and women.  Uses big words and says You’re Welcome.

Commercials.  JEEEEEEEEEEEEZUS CHRIST.

[caption id=”attachment_2539” align=”aligncenter” width=”300”] Just hold still, I’ll untie your shoe if you’d just hold still.[/caption]

The Funkasaurus is coming out!  YES!  But he never clears the stage, hell, he didn’t even have time to call his momma.  Sandow attacks from behind and gives him an incredibly brutal looking beatdown on and off the stage, trying to shatter his knees.

I’m hoping this sets up a feud between these two.  I think it would work and Funkasaurus needs something more substantial than JTG every week.

Back stage, AJ’s thinking.  Daniel Bryan shows up.  ANGER MANAGEMENT (CHARLIE SHEEN YOU GUYS) is mentions.  It will be Daniel Bryan vs. Kane at Summerslam.  I guess Charlie Sheen backed out or sobered up and forgot.  But still, ANGER MANAGEMENT YOU GUYS!

Commercials

[caption id=”attachment_2540” align=”aligncenter” width=”200”] Seriously, Kelly Kelly?[/caption]

Oh boy!  Kelly Kelly is back and Lawler is dry humping the announce table.  She faces the only other active Diva on the roster, Eve.  And Kelly wins.  And nobody really gives two shits.

[caption id=”attachment_2540” align=”aligncenter” width=”200”] Seriously, Touting?[/caption]

Somehow or another, we’re more worried about ADR’s car and Sheamus having borrowed/stolen/leased it from him without permission.  Sheamus, we’re informed, will be TOUTING on his tour of San Antonio later tonight.  I don’t give a f*ck.  QUIT TOUTING!

Commercials and we’re back to HBK in the ring.

[caption id=”attachment_2540” align=”aligncenter” width=”200”] Seriously, HBK Appreciation Night?[/caption]

HBK says HBK things and is joined by Paul Heyman and Brock Lesnar.  They jaw about who’s going to win at Summerslam, Brock even speaks a little and everyone immediately wishes he wouldn’t.  Then HHH comes out and Brock leaves.

[caption id=”attachment_2540” align=”aligncenter” width=”200”] Seriously?[/caption]

Now Sheamus is still driving that stolen car and TOUTING apparently. And he touted us a goddamn song from the Alamo.  Sheamus, I love you guy, but please don’t feed into this Tout bullshit.  BA STAR and just say no to TOUT.

Commercials.

[caption id=”attachment_2541” align=”aligncenter” width=”282”] Bright Eyes is the prettiest pony! NO, Flitter Flutter is the pretties pony![/caption]

Chris Jericho is at the announce table wearing a Dolph Ziggler shirt that he claims to have in the trash.  Makes sense, doesn’t everyone just wear clothes they find in trash cans?

Dolph Ziggler will be facing Alex Riley.  A-Ry needs to get back on TV and be a thing again.  He’s a good guy, fun to watch with plenty of charisma.  In fact, I’ll take A-Ry and you take the Divas, the Prime Time Players, AW and Primo and Epico in return.

And they have a match, a really good match to be honest, though you wouldn’t know it from commentary.  They’re more interested in taunting Jericho or talking about social media.

Jericho decides to TOUT the match, and distracts Ziggler long enough for A-Ry to get the roll up victory.  Dolph isn’t pleased with losing via Tout.  That’s worse than losing to a midget while being dressed as a turkey.  Right Chavo?

[caption id=”attachment_2540” align=”aligncenter” width=”200”] Seriously?[/caption]

Oh, in case you thought they were done Social Media Whoring, they remind us that AJ used Twitter to set up the next match:  Kane vs. The Miz.  Seriously, social media can go straight to hell.

Commercials

[caption id=”attachment_2540” align=”aligncenter” width=”200”] Seriously?[/caption]

Sheamus TOUTS fella! And the match between Kane and the Miz gets underway.  Apparently Kane is bidirectional in his allegiances.  He’s been a bad guy for six months straight, now he’s a good guy?  WTF?

This match was good but Miz lost anyways.  To what end?  Who does that help in any way, shape or form.?  Your new IC champion losing to someone that’s not even in the title picture?  Who’s decision was this and why aren’t they being fired?

Another commercial break.  This is really sickening.  I started watching this thing on DVR an hour after it started and by skipping commercial breaks and “RAW REBOUNDS”, I’ve caught up to real time with over half an hour left in the show.

They actually returned from commercial to show us Sheamus returning the car in horrible condition and apparently sporting a newly baked loaf of Sheamus-Shit in the passenger seat.  It smells, fella!

And we get to the main event!  Daniel Bryan vs. John Cena!

[caption id=”attachment_2540” align=”aligncenter” width=”200”] Seriously?[/caption]

Wait no, more shit with that car.  ADR is mad you guys.  He’s angry.

Now Commercials AGAIN

[caption id=”attachment_2542” align=”aligncenter” width=”280”] YES YES YES! Kick, and turn and KICK and turn![/caption]

Cena finally makes it to the ring and the Cena chants start.  DB loses his shit and starts arguing NO NO NO!  Cena is tossed out of the ring and ignored while DB argues with the crowd about YES vs. NO.

And they literally took another commercial break.

We return to Cena dying a thousand deaths, but still having the energy to pull off the five moves of doom!  Now an interesting sequence takes place:

Cena applies the STF which is reversed into a “NO”Lock which is transitioned into an Attitude Adjustment.  And Cena wins, after being clinically dead at least twice in this match.

Overall?  A very very fun match, DB is always great and Cena sold for him most of the match until it was comeback time.  If you didn’t enjoy that match there’s something wrong in your head.

So, it’s over!  G’nite everyone, thanks for coming!

[caption id=”attachment_2543” align=”aligncenter” width=”300”] R-E-S-P-E-C-T Find out what it means to me![/caption]

SHIT.  Nope, here’s Punk.  Cena pushes him aside to attack a raging Big Show.  He gets Big Show up for the AA only to be foiled by Punk once more.  Punk then addresses Jerry Lawler telling him how truly awful and horrible he is as a human being and a commentator.  No arguments from me, Punk!

And then Punk kicks Big Show and Cena.  G’nite kids!  Sweet dreams!  B.A. Star and all that!  Tout Tout Twitter Twitter!

Again, this was a great show for the most part.  Some of the matches just didn’t make sense from a story point of view and Lawler is getting increasingly bad on commentary.  Otherwise, I had a hard time hating this one.  Oh and Social Media needs to die.

Original Article

[caption id=”attachment_2505” align=”aligncenter” width=”238”] Seriously, Three Hours of this shit is enough to make me want to burn their stage down.[/caption]

In case you missed RAW, and I don’t blame you if you did, they caught the set on fire prior to the show.  Yes, they literally set fire to their own set.

[caption id=”attachment_2502” align=”aligncenter” width=”300”] If only they had caught the booking list on fire too.[/caption]

Now, let’s be honest.  I’m truly thrilled that we’re rid of Nickelback’s goddamn intro song, but now it seems the curse of Chad Kroeger will forever haunt Vince McMahon’s company.  You’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

Anyhow, it was three hours of RAW, episode 1,001 and it came on the heels of a really good 1,000th episode celebration.  So, how did they follow it up?  By shitting the bed, to be quite honest.

We had AJ the GM, Daniel Bryan the jilted lover, CM Punk the selfish bastard that he should always be and John Cena never giving up.  Also, Big Show was there to Big Show around.

While there were a couple of bright spots in the show, overall, they fell flat in my opinion.  A lot of matches thrown in there that just didn’t make sense to me.  They aren’t helping any of the guys participating in them and the crowd could give less than half a shit.

With that said, let’s take a look at what all transpired.

[caption id=”attachment_2506” align=”aligncenter” width=”300”] When you think voice of the voiceless, you picture him in a suit.[/caption]

The show started off with their retrospective on Raw 1,000.  And yes, that was mostly a decent show.  I always find fault with things, but overall, it was a solid, fun show.  Tonight, we get to see CM Punk come to the ring to ‘splain his actions from last week.  And the Straight Edge Savior said unto them:

Everyone wants a Wrestlemania Moment.  Last week I had a RAW moment.  But first, let’s talk about RAW 1,000.

And lo, it had been spaketh.  Seriously, he said nothing of import whatsoever.  Lawler was goading Punk and Punk came over to the announce desk and sat down all criss-cross applesauce on top of it, right in front of Jerry and berated him for being Lawler.  It was cute, story time with Uncle Punk.

Now, instead of Pipebombs™, Punk wants the Spotlight.  Like he’s Linus in “Merry Christmas Charlie Brown”, or pre-retirement Batista.  Either way, what the serious f*ck?

So, Big Show comes out.  Then Cena comes out and attacks Big Show.  Punk watches on.  Now, goddamn AJ shows up in her little boy’s suit from Sears and Roebuck.  She’s the new General Manager you guys!  Much respeck!

She tells us that Show and Cena will be in the Main Event, with the winner going on to Summer Slam to face CM Punk for the WWE Title.  And that was pretty much that.

Commercials

[caption id=”attachment_2507” align=”aligncenter” width=”300”] I wish Del Rio would just rip that arm completely off and stick it up his ass.[/caption]

Lawler is disagreeing with Punk but lets us know that we can TOUT our replies to CM Punk’s statement.  And then you f*cking people will do just that, and I will have to suffer about 5 solid minutes of that shit later on in the show.  Thanks a lot, assholes.

Now, Santino comes out to face Alberto Del Rio for no discernible reason whatsoever.  It’s a shitty match, ADR destroys him and lets us know that he’ll not compete again until it’s for the World Heavyweight Championship.  On the upside, Alberto is wearing black trunks and boots, makes him look less like a guy that was interrupted while getting dressed.  On the downside, they mentioned that Santino has held the US Title since March.  On the derp-side, they neglect to mention that he’s only wrestled in non-title and tag team matches since obtaining the title.

Now, let’s see….Oh yeah, Daniel Bryan is backstage, wanting to knock on AJ’s door, but he’s so distraught, he just can’t you guys.

Commercials

[caption id=”attachment_2508” align=”aligncenter” width=”300”] You’d think they would have arrested Sandow, considering Brodus has to be an endangered species and all.[/caption]

It’s the Funkasaurus y’all!  And Vickie interrupts his intro to declare herself Queen Diva and dancing queen.  And she has a seizure for a while.  That’s when Damien Sandow comes out, destroys Brodus Clay for no real good reason, and that’s overwith.  I don’t get it.  What did this prove?

Another Commercial and then Daniel Bryan finally gets enough balls to go talk to AJ.  She mentions his “groomsmen” last week, in white coats, looking like they worked at a mental institution.  Claims that DB planned to marry her and then have her legally committed to an asylum.  But that’s not going to happen.  It’s Super-Power AJ now and Daniel will face Sheamus tonight in a non-title matchup.

After that there’s a little (read: 20 minute) recap on Brock/HHH/Paul Heyman/Stephanie McMahon from RAW 1,000.  I think the recap took longer than the original segment, to be honest.

From here, we learn that in addition to Touting, we can Tweet a vote for what kind of match Daniel Bryan and Sheamus will have tonight.  And we go to commercial.  Hurry and Tweet!  That match is coming up next!

[caption id=”attachment_2509” align=”aligncenter” width=”300”] No, fella, I dropped my contact over here. Just keep looking wouldja?[/caption]

Returning to RAW, Daniel Bryan comes out to tell the crowd to stop chanting YES, that’s not for them to say.  He starts chanting NO back at them.  This is high brow shit right here.

We find out that from the three choices given:  #NoHoldsBarred, #FallsCountAnywhere, and #StreetFight , which coincidentally are basically the exact same match, except in falls count anywhere you can pin them literally anywhere, that you bastards chose a Street Fight.  In the ring.  A street fight.  IN THE RING.

It wasn’t a bad match all in all, but a Street Fight should go backstage, outside, etc.  They stayed mostly in the ring, and got on the ramp once or twice.  At one point, Michael Cole lets us know that Eve TOUTED some shit, and paraphrased it for us, rather than actually showing the video.  But they’ll damn sure show you fan videos later on.  And they will suck hard.

Daniel loses to a Brogue kick, landing on the stairs in the ring.  Very long match, fairly brutal and a lot of fun.  This one, even though I had very low expectations going in, I truly enjoyed.  Sheamus needs to be in brawls like this, not fancy, technical matches in which he looks like a lumbering fool.

Commercials

[caption id=”attachment_2510” align=”aligncenter” width=”200”] This whole segment, really.[/caption]

We came back from Commercial and Daniel is laying in the ring, refusing to leave until he’s checked out by a doctor.  The refs are trying to force him out anyways, never mind that possible concussion man, we got a show to run.  Way to use your wellness policy to its fullest WWE.

And finally, Kofi comes out and interrupts this shit.  R-Truth and Lil Jimmy get in the ring and DB punts Jimmy out of the ring.  AJ has DB taken into mental health custody or something, I don’t know, the guys in the white suits took him outta there.

Then we get some goddamn TOUTING FROM THE WWE GODDAMN UNIVERSE.  Are they purposely choosing the least literate and articulate people they can find?  Or are all WWE fans on the TOUT thing, functionally retarded?  Seriously, I want to know.

Kofi will be facing Titus O’Neil, one on one and nobody cares.  I didn’t care, so I fast-forwarded through the entire thing.  I have no idea who won.  But I did learn this morning that I should have watched it.  It would appear that AW, manager and owner of All World Productions and manager to the Prime Time Players, made an off-color joke while on a live mic at ringside.

What was that joke?

[caption id=”attachment_2511” align=”aligncenter” width=”198”] Seriously, ridiculing a rapist who got off without any penalties is not only funny, but should be mandatory. Screw this guy.[/caption]

“This guy can’t be stopped.  He’s like Kobe Bryant in a Colorado Hotel room!”  Hah!  That’s actually pretty funny, cruel, but funny.  WWE and their sponsors didn’t like it though.  He’s had to issue apologies and will be disciplined for his actions.

So, let me get this straight, AW makes a rapist joke and gets punished.  Kane, by WWE history and lore, is a rapist himself, and he’s got action figures on sale for little kids?  Seems legit.

Punk and Cena have a moment backstage about what happened last week.  Punk talks respect and Cena admires his ass as Punk walks away.

Commercials

[caption id=”attachment_2512” align=”aligncenter” width=”300”] Of all the images I could have used, this is the most accurate.[/caption]

We get a Heath and Lita replay.  Then Heath challenges any CURRENT Superstar to a match.  It’s a returning Randy Orton.  Heath dies and we move on. to Daniel Bryan getting his psych evaluation.  In a room backstage.  On camera.  He has a YES meltdown.

And it’s commercials again, but stick with me here.

Christian and Jericho will be facing The Miz and Dolph Ziggler.  And it’s a great match, as Miz has really stepped up his game and the rest are already excellent performers.  Jericho and Christian pick up the win.

Don’t let my short synopsis fool you, it was really a decent match to watch.  If you need play by play, there are plenty of other sites you can check out for that.

I’m just here to piss and moan.

Backstage, Daniel Bryan is getting the Inkblot Test.  When the doctor lays down all three cards, they form a “GOAT FACE”  Durr, hurr hurr.  Funny.

Commercial

[caption id=”attachment_2513” align=”aligncenter” width=”300”] STOP TOUTING YOU SONS OF BITCHES![/caption]

Next up, more goddamn Touts from you goddamn people.  STOP IT ALREADY!

Tensai will be facing Tyson Kidd.  Tyson Kidd will get mud-stomped and the crowd won’t give a flying shit because they’re all so smart, they want to chant “Albert” instead of getting behind these two guys who are working to entertain them.  Seriously, quit being dicks.

After the match, Tyson gets another pounding and then Tensai slaps Sakamoto around for no good reason.  The ref reverses his decision based on Tensai’s actions, because I guess referees have that power now?  I don’t know, I just watch this shit.

[caption id=”attachment_2514” align=”aligncenter” width=”296”] The man who will face Daniel Bryan at goddamn Summer Slam. Why? Because, f*ck you, that’s why.[/caption]

There’s more DB testing, and the final results?  Daniel is 100% sane, but has other issues to work with.  That’s when Kane busts in and offers to be his…wait for it….. “ANGER MANAGEMENT” coach!  Zing!  Get it?  Hah?  Charlie Sheen? Charlie Sheen is a guy who the WWE paid to Skype with them last week and Charlie Sheen is a guy on a show called Anger Management and Charlie Sheen Charlie Sheen Charlie Sheen Charlie Sheen!   Jesus Christ.

Commercials.

[caption id=”attachment_2515” align=”aligncenter” width=”300”] Ever feel like you’ve been here before?[/caption]

Mercifully, we get around to the main event.  CM Punk joins commentary and shows Lawler how to do his job.  Basically, Punk makes Lawler feel incredibly stupid and awkward for being Jerry Lawler and it’s fun to witness.

Cena and Show do battle.  And it’s really not bad to watch.  They’ve got a history and they can work well together.  Show has been much more physical and acrobatic of late and it makes his matches all the more fun.

Finally, outside the ring, Show tosses Cena over the announce table and into CM Punk.  Punk’s dead for a while.  Cena gets back in the ring and has Show up for the Attitude Adjustment, only to have Punk come in and break it up.

The bell rings, but there’s no official decision.  Punk starts kicking the shit out of Big Show.  Punk gets a microphone and tells us that our winner is “Nobody!”  Hah, suck it WWE!

AJ prances out to announce that Punk is wrong and that it will be a goddamned Triple Threat WWE Title Match at Summer Slam.  Because, seriously you guys, what’s more fun than a Triple Threat EVERY GODDAMN TIME WE HAVE A TITLE MATCH?

Jeeeeeeeezus.  Apart from a couple of good matches, they truly didn’t add anything to the show, even with an entire extra hour to do so with.  It was rather sad to watch, full of fluff and insignificant filler.

I had a feeling this is what we were going to get when they added that hour, and if they repeat last night’s show, that’s exactly what we’ll be getting from now on.  I may have to give this shit up.

Original Article

[caption id=”attachment_2322” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”It’s going to happen, you can’t stop it. Might as well accept your fate.”][/caption]

It’s almost that time once more, RAW is on tonight.  And it’s one of our last few shows that will stick to less than 3 hours.  I’m going to try to enjoy it and keep a positive outlook on the changes coming, but if last week’s show was any indication, we’re in for pure misery.

Anyhow, what’s going on tonight?  Well for one thing…

[caption id=”attachment_2323” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”The Rock isn’t the only superstar who has notes written on his body.”][/caption]

Jericho Returns!  Did you miss him?  I didn’t.  He’s been just kind of “there” since his return earlier this year.  That’s not a reflection on Chris so much as it is a reflection on horrific booking and lackluster story lines.

Punk is a drunk?  Really?  That’s what we’re going for here?  Punk the drunk.  CM Drunk with the crackwhore sister and the deadbeat dad and the promiscuous mother who had a child out of wedlock?  What is this, the 1950’s?  Christ.  Let’s hope he comes back with a purpose and a direction tonight.  Also, we’ll get some kind of Fozzy musical bullshit in the way of a promo or something.  I’m fairly certain of that.

[caption id=”attachment_2324” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”She should do the entire show from her boudoir backstage, while Hornswoggle fans her and Drew McIntyre feeds her grapes.”][/caption]

Vickie Guerrero is our General Manager Du Jour.  Yes, we’re back to the revolving door of generally managing a show that has no rhyme or reason.  At least we’ll get some creepy Cougar/Old Lady in love jokes and a lot of screeching “Excuse me” bullshit.  I guess it’s not all bad?

Also - Dolph will end up in a title match or a qualifier for a title match, because Vickie loves him.

[caption id=”attachment_2325” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”The face of a complete loss of respect for oneself. Ladies and Gentlemen, Heath Slater”][/caption]

We’re quickly approaching 1,000 episodes, and with that, three goddamn hours of RAW every week.  I’d apologize but it’s not my fault.  I will be suffering as much as you will.

So, who’s the special throw-back guest star for tonight?  Who gets to beat the holy hell out of Heath Slater’s dignity this week?  I really hope they don’t let Heath sing anymore.  It sounded like two cats humping while being set on fire.

[caption id=”attachment_2326” align=”aligncenter” width=”252” caption=”What do you mean I have to fight Josh Mathews? Christ, how about a vacation day?”][/caption]

CENA!  Cena?  Cena.  Yeah, Cena’s still a thing.  Now that’s he’s vanquished the middle-aged general manager by way of ten thousand Attitude Adjustments, what’s next?  Big Show is done with him, presumably, so it’s time for Cena to look for another victim.

Personally?  I’d like to see them avoid invoking Otunga or Tensai on us by way of Cena.  Neither one is entertaining and Cena just makes them look like hell.  Maybe we’ll get a Jericho/Cena matchup for a bit until the Brock Lesnar/HHH Legal Drama is over.  Or maybe Cena will be facing off with CM Punk, respectfully of course, because good guys.

Either way, it would probably be a good time for the WWE to give Cena a few weeks off.  They really don’t have anything compelling for him to do right now and he’s been going through a fairly nasty real-life divorce.

[caption id=”attachment_2327” align=”aligncenter” width=”261” caption=”She should come out dressed like a different comic character every week. Last week it was Harley Quinn, this week a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, next week let’s go for She-Hulk”][/caption]

A.J. the Crazy will be around in some form.  I expect Kane to keep lusting after her and for Daniel Bryan to be looking for a little retribution after she caused him a win on Smackdown this past week.

As long as they keep going in this direction, she’s interesting to me.  I’d actually like to see her get in the ring and mix it up for a shot at Layla’s title in the divas division.  The crazy love triangle (quadrilateral?) thing they’ve got going is great, but let’s get her back in action while we’re doing a good thing here.

Anyhow, tune in tonight, get good and drunk and let’s hope for 100% less Golden Corral Cotton Candy commercials!

Original Article

[caption id=”attachment_2294” align=”aligncenter” width=”238” caption=”If you’re a masochist, you’re going to love the Three Hour Format.”][/caption]

Honestly I was hoping for a decent show, but I guess I can hope in one hand and shit in the other, see which one fills up first.   It was the wrap-it-up show from their “big” No Way Out pay per view event this past Sunday.  So WWE decided to basically give everybody the night off.  There wasn’t much wrestling and there honestly wasn’t much show, thanks to the Millions and Millions of Commercials.

In all, they didn’t do much to further storylines.  They were broadcasting live from Long Island, and neglected to put Zack Ryder on the show.  They had the big “Farewell Address” from Big Johnny, and that was boring and predictable.  And they gave us a little more Punk vs. Bryan vs. Kane with special guest albino, Sheamus and a touch of AJ.

Otherwise, this show had nothing to recommend it.  I really can’t wait until they go to three hours in July.  It’s going to be pure miserable shit, I’m calling it now.

In the meantime, follow me on Twitter.  Twitter’s a thing you guys!  And consider leaving a comment down there in the comments section.  It’s easy and it’s fun!  Consider it your very own little slice of “People Power” if you will.

With all that said, let’s schlep our way through Monday Night Raw.

So the show starts right off with Nickelback singing the intro theme.  Dammit.  I guess that’s back for good now.  And from there, we get a quick recap of Big Johnny being “Farrrrrrred” by Vince.

[caption id=”attachment_2295” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”The Long Island Iced…..Foley? Shit.”][/caption]

And since we’re in Long Island, they bring out Long Island native, Mick Foley to start the show.  Mick.  Foley.  To start the show, in Long Island.  Makes sense, it’s not like they have any other well loved and supported talent on the roster that’s from Long Island, right?  And hell, Mick lives there now, so he’s a native.

Anyhow, he’s wearing a suit that doesn’t even come close to fitting him properly, it looks like he was in a hurry to dress and borrowed his Dad’s suit.  It’s all hanging down past his hands and stuff.  Cute really.

[caption id=”attachment_2307” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”Who’s a cute little Mankind? You are. Yes you are!”][/caption]

He informs us that with the Farrrrring of Big Johnny, we’re going to have a return to the Guest General Manager format, only we’re going to use past General Managers to fill that role, week to week, rather than have to suffer whichever moron from USA’s Original Series lineup they can dump on us.  I don’t know if that’s good or bad.  Mick Foley, however, is bad.  He’s just kind of there anymore.

Mick pulls a Teddy Long and announces a Tag Team match between Sheamus/Punk and Bryan/Kane!  Way to really jazz things up.  And to make it better?  This is the FIRST MATCH OF THE EVENING!  Yes, put your main event on as the curtain jerker.  Jeeeeeeezus.

Then Big Johnny comes out to address the crowd and gets booed to the point he can’t talk.  Says he’ll come back later to give us his farewell, but that in the meantime, he set up a Handicap Tag Match last night before he was “Farrrrrrrred”, which will feature John Cena facing Big Show, David Otunga and Big Johnny himself.

So yeah.  Commercials.

[caption id=”attachment_2296” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”Fella! I’m a champion too Fella! Include Me Fella! Brogue. Arse. Irish irish irish.”][/caption]

We return to the main event curtain jerker matchup, and Sheamus/Punk will be facing Kane/Daniel Bryan.  Makes perfect sense.  You don’t want to build up to your best talent, you want to throw them out there to kick things off.

So it’s a good match, but that’s to be expected.  Around the time that Daniel Bryan hits Punk with a Top Rope Suplex, AJ comes skipping down the ramp and around the ring.  She’s dressed like Harley Quinn a female midget version of Kane.  She’s got the red/black outfit and the mask.

This arouses Kane and he stalks off after her.  Daniel Bryan is screaming at Kane to come back, and that leads to a Go To Sleep into a Brogue Kick finisher to end a really decent 20 minute matchup.  Dammit.  That means Cena vs. The Three Stooges is our main event.  Dammit.

We’re informed that we’ll be seeing more of the HHH vs. Brock Lesnar/Paul Heyman Legal Team USA Original Series a little later on.  Then, commercials.

[caption id=”attachment_2297” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”Yeah, keep Vickie with the guy who doesn’t need a mouth piece. Daffy Duck over there will be just fine.”][/caption]

We return to a backstage segment (still no Zack Ryder) and we find Dolph arguing with Swagger about who’s the best one on Team Vickie.  Finally Vickie breaks in to tell them she’s going to pick ONE of them to support and adore.  And they have a match later.  And the winner gets Vickie.  And that sounds like an awful prize if you ask me.

Now we go further backstage to see Otunga and Big Johnny gabbing about Mick Foley and their match with Cena later on.  Show’s there but not impressed with anything he’s hearing.  He’s stone-faced y’all.  Super-serious Show is super-serious.

Finally the match between Dolph and Swagger begins!  Wait, no…shit.  Commercials.

We come back from commercial break to see Vickie at ringside wearing a Kimono made from Koko B. Ware’s parrot.  God that’s the most awful outfit I’ve ever seen a human being wear on purpose.

So the match goes and it’s basically Swagger kicking the shit out Dolph.  Lots of submission attempts and really a plodding, boring match.  Finally, Dolph hits the Zig Zag for the win and Vickie rewards/punishes him with a full-on face-sucking kiss.  I dunno, still seems like a punishment to me.

Now we get a HHH replay from No Way Out in which, HHH tells Brock to forget the lawsuit, let’s FIGHT.  But at Summer Slam.  Because, buyrates.  Backstage a Limo pulls in, but the doors don’t open!  ZOMG!  Who could it be?  Is it Brock?  Is it the Pope?  We’ll have to wait to find out….

Commercials.

[caption id=”attachment_2298” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”You just KNOW it’s in development.”][/caption]

Hey it’s time for a Memorable RAW Moment with Jerry “the king” Lawler.  Well godammit.  Since Mick Foley is hosting, we see a throwback to when Vince McMahon was in the hospital and Mick came in to cheer him up.  Then Stone Cold beats him with a bed pan.  Ahhh, good times.  Get this shit off my LIVE SHOW!

Now, Brock Lesnar’s music comes on.  HOLY SHIT IS BROCK HERE LIVE IN LONG ISLAND????  Nope.  It’s Paul Heyman.  He’s here to talk for Brock.  Brock should never be allowed to speak on his own.

Here’s the gist of what Paul had to say:

• Brock’s not fighting at Summer Slam
• Brock’s not dropping his lawsuit
• Brock’s not Paul Heyman or something I tuned out

So, HHH comes out and tells us this:

• Brock will fight at Summerslam
• Brock will receive numerous money shots to the face at Summerslam if he agrees.  Look at the jizz-coated poster
• HHH will not listen to Paul Heyman, will not listen to himself…what?  Wait, why do we have to listen then?  Godammit.

[caption id=”attachment_2299” align=”aligncenter” width=”224” caption=”The Porn you didn’t want, but the porn you deserve.”][/caption]

Anyhow, back and forth it goes, until HHH grabs Heyman.  Heyman goads him some more and gets punched in the face.  Why?  Because, HHH.

And it’s Commercial Time!  Wait, shit…no, it’s a recap of the Tuxedo Match from No Way Out.  Well, it’s vacation slides anyhow.  UGh.

Now Commercials!

[caption id=”attachment_2300” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”Show of hands. How many of the audience members were even alive when she was a thing?”][/caption]

Apparently Alberto Del Rio is cleared to perform and will face Santino to exact revenge for his personal valet, Ricardo Rodriguez.  Why God, why????

It’s a shitty match that has Del Rio kicking the shit out Santino and really doing nothing for anyone.  And that’s all I’ve got to say about that.

Ah christ, Cyndi Lauper is coming up later on and we get to endure a retrospective on her involvement in WWF/E from about 25 years ago.  UGH.  Girls might wanna have fun, WWE fans just wanna have wrestling on their goddamn wrestling show.

Now Layla’s in the ring and she introduces Cyndi Lauper and Wendy Richter.  Nobody really cares, and Wendy looks to have porked up a bit.  Who am I to judge?  Anyhow, Cyndi appears to have been living in Middle Earth since the 80’s.  Michael Cole actually apologizes to us at home for what we’re watching.  Thank you Michael Cole.

Now Heat Slater is here to do something.  He’s interrupting them and calling himself the One Man Rock Band.  He even goes so far as to sing us a sample of his first single.  It’s hilarious.  He sounds like a cat, shoved in a dog’s ass, being run over by a stampede of cattle.  And Roddy Piper is here!  HOLY SHIT YES!  SAVE US RODDY!

So anyhow, Roddy does what he can to salvage things, invokes Capt. Lou Albano and presents Cyndi with a gold record to replace the one he smashed three decades ago.  Cyndi then smashes it over Heath Slater’s head.  So…uh…that happened.

Commercials

[caption id=”attachment_2301” align=”aligncenter” width=”234” caption=”If we get Cena some bronzer, we can go right ahead and reboot “No Hold Barred”“][/caption]

We get footage, actual video footage, from the Fatal Four Way Tag Match at No Way Out.  JEEEEEZUS REAL FOOTAGE???  They must have felt bad for us watching at home and threw us a bone.

But that leads us to a tag team match between the PrimeTime Players as managed by A.W. vs Primo/Epico/Spaghettio or whatever.  On one hand I want to like this, it’s TAG TEAM WRESTLING.  On the other hand, it’s Darren Young, Primo, Titus O’neil and Epico.  So it’s a double edged sword I guess.

And it’s a terrible match that ends with PTP bailing out of the match and losing via countout because, heels.  What I don’t get, is are we supposed to care for Primico?  Epimo?  Whatever?  They’re boring.  Nobody was into that match at all, not even the guys performing in it.

They take us to commercial with about 15 minutes left in the show.  Yeah, 3 matches in an hour and forty-five minutes so far.  Great stuff!

We come back to get a reminder that on July 23rd, we can expect 33% more of this horse shit.  Three hours of RAW!

Big Johnny’s in the ring to talk.  He “you peoples” us to death.  He must have said “loser” three dozen times.  On the upside?  He didn’t try to do John Cena’s Mask impersonation when saying it.

Otunga comes out followed by Big Show.  And with five minutes left in the show, we go to commercial break again.  THREE HOURS IN JULY GUYS!

Back now, Teddy Long is at the announce table to tear up his name tag.  I’m really sorry they didn’t let Teddy just beat the hell out of Eve with that name tag all night, but what are you gonna do?

[caption id=”attachment_2303” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”What better way to promote Anti-Bullying campaigns? I mean, we need a point of reference right? Right?”][/caption]

Show gets into the ring, thanks Johnny for his Iron-Clad contract.  Then bails out to leave Otunga/Johnny to face Cena on their own.  Because, Show’s a heel you guys.

Otunga has to fight Cena and that goes horribly for him.  Every time he tries to tag out to Johnny, Johnny moves away.  Finally Otunga gets Cena beat down, and that’s when Johnny wants to tag in for the victory.

Of course, Cena can’t be beat.  So Johnny attempts to tag out and Otunga refuses.  This leads to the inevitable.  Three, count ‘em THREE Attitude Adjustments for Johnny and a STF submission to end his career.

I don’t know you guys.  I’m just…just….ugh.  I want to like RAW so much and then they dribble this shit out in front of us every week.  I gotta say, three hours of this is going to be worse than the deepest parts of the hottest precincts of hell.

Original Article

[caption id=”attachment_2276” align=”aligncenter” width=”230” caption=”1.) That doesn’t look like AJ. 2.) This isn’t even relevant to the pay per view or storyline. 3.) Daniel Bryan looks like he belongs in that era.”][/caption]

We all knew this was coming didn’t we?  They promoted this pay per view for like three solid weeks on TV and yet, we hoped against hope that they were just pulling our legs.  No such luck, it happened, and parts of it were wholly unnecessary.  Some was decent though.  It’s nearly impossible to be disappointed when you have Punk, Bryan and Ziggler on the card.

So what happened?  I’ll let you know what happened and what I thought of it, but first, you need to follow me on Twitter.  It irritates me that Vince has more Twitter followers than I do and I’m at least as crazy as he is.

Now…let’s get to it.

[caption id=”attachment_2277” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”I’m all for Brodus Clay destroying asswipes, but this was a waste of everyone’s time.”][/caption]

To start things off, the WWE offered us a FREE pre-show match via Youtube between David Otunga and Brodus “Funkasaurus” Clay.  I missed it completely.  I have to be honest with you, I wasn’t real interested in the way too predictable outcome of this match.  It’s always good to see Brodus, he’s fun.

It’s always bad to see Otunga, he’s awful.  It’s like if you took one of your Masters of the Universe action figures from the 80’s and made him walk and talk.  Only Otunga somehow looks stiffer when he moves.  Basically this was a throw-away warm up match for the main show and in as much Otunga was counted out.  So yeah, a waste of bandwidth if you ask me.  At least let Brodus win with the Funk-it Splash or something.

[caption id=”attachment_2278” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”Sheamus vs. Orton, wait, Sheamus vs. Del Rio, wait, Sheamus vs. That Guy in the Third Row.”][/caption]

The show finally gets underway after more promos and video packages letting us know what led up to this big event.  No Way Out indeed!  Once you’ve paid for the show on PPV, there’s literally no way you can avoid watching it.  You’re stuck, you dropped $45 on it and dammit, you’re going to consume it even if it kills you.

So how do they start off the show?  Who’s the curtain jerker?  Why, it’s the World Heavyweight Championship match of course.  Sheamus vs. Dolph Ziggler.  That’s how highly regarded this title and this champion are.  This title hasn’t been a main event draw in years and it’s not going to improve any time soon.  Hell, your WWE champion isn’t even your main event anymore, it’s John Cena and whatever goofball gimmick he happens to be involved in at the moment.

Enough of that.  This was a good match.  Ziggler is great in the ring and makes everyone around him look that much better.  A very high energy match to get the crowd revved up and ready for some action and it was a match that you honestly could see going either way.  Unfortunately it didn’t.  Sheamus, as much as I love him, almost ended this thing the way his match at Wrestlemania with Daniel Bryan went.

Dolph got a good luck kiss from Vickie and almost turned around into a Brogue kick.  Thankfully though, he ducked it and they fought for much longer than 18 seconds.  I honestly believe there would have been a riot had they ended this match that way.

The crowd really started getting behind Dolph in this match with “Let’s Go Dolph” chants, and just when you think he might pull it off?  BROGUE KICK TO THE FACE!  And Sheamus retains.  This match was nearly 20 minutes long, and it was fun.  More of this, and less of….

[caption id=”attachment_2279” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”Shouldn’t your comedy matches be funny? Just askin’.”][/caption]

Vince is backstage being accosted by Big Johnny.  Big Johnny is trying to tell Vince that even when Big Show wins, their relationship will be fine, that there’s no hard feelings.  Vince tells him to talk to the hand.

Yes, LESS OF THAT PLEASE!!!  Ugh, wrestle when I paid to see wrestling.  Do your nonsense on the free shows.

Then Josh Mathews walks up to ask Big Johnny some “in-depth” questions about feeling pressure to have Big Show win tonight.  Johnny basically calls him a twat and moves on.  In fact, I would’ve preferred if he HAD called him a twat.  Saves time.

Up next is the long awaited and much anticipated TUXEDO MATCH between your United States Champion Santino Marella and Ricardo Rodriguez, whipping boy to the wealthy.

Yeah, this actually happened.  They announced that the first competitor to strip his opponent down to his shorts would be the winner.  The first man to forcibly undress his opponent in public would be crowned victor.  Bonus points if you can give him a massage while you’re at it I guess.

What’s with the undressing of men to win a match?  Ick.  Also, at one point Santino is playing matador with Ricardo’s suit jacket because..Mexicans.  So yeah, it happens, Santino wins with a Cobra foot and a pantsing of Ricardo.  Ricardo, by the way, is wearing underwear with Alberto Del Rio’s face on the ass of them.  I just…I can’t.

[caption id=”attachment_2280” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”For a match that’s been given almost ZERO build up, it was a good un.”][/caption]

For some reason we’re backstage with Matt Striker and CM Punk.  Matt wants to know about Punk’s relationship with AJ, and Punk’s all like “What relationship?  I dig crazy chicks, but this isn’t about her.  It’s about Kane and Daniel Bryan!”  So then AJ comes to wish him luck, he says “lucks for losers” and stalks away.

Matt tries to get a reaction from AJ but instead, receives the stinkeye.  And scene.

Finally another wrestling match.  Cody Rhodes vs. Christian for the Intercontinental Championship.  Another 4 star match on the night.  This is what they should be doing more of with their booking.  Put good workers in the ring together, give them a minimal storyline outside the ring and just let them build the drama INSIDE the ring through their actions.

We don’t need a bunch of scripts and jokes and hokey set-ups to get here guys.  But I digress.  Cody is one hell of a performer and Christian makes everyone look good.  And they go after each other for a while.  The finishing sequence is as you would expect.  Failed Killswitch, failed Disaster Kick, failed Killswitch, failed Disaster Kick, SPEAR SPEAR SPEAR!!!!  And Christian retains.

Man that was a fun match.  It seems so easy to me to write these bookings, and yet, we end up with nearly unwatchable Khali and Tensai matches being shoved down our throats.  Ugh.

[caption id=”attachment_2281” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”This picture is the closest thing I could find to the actual competitors in this match. Enjoy.”][/caption]

Tag Team Fatal Four Way coming up, to determine the number one contenders for the Tag Team Titles.  Because, who gives a shit?  Throw-away titles that are just never thrown away.

It would appear that Justin Gabriel is once again healthy, as he was back to team up with Tyson Kidd.  They faced Darren Young and Titus O’neil (the primetime players) the Usos and Primo and Epico.

Now, I am not an educated man, but a Fatal Four Way match to me is when all four competitors get in the ring at the same time, there are precious few rules and the best or luckiest man wins it all.  Not so much in this match.  It was a four-team tag match, where you could tag out to any corner, but only two guys could be in the ring at once.  Stupid.

And they fought.  And some of it was good until they let Darren Young get involved.  God he’s awful.  Titus isn’t a whole lot better, but I’ll take ‘em since they’re a for-real tag team.  There was a kill ‘em all maneuver outside of the ring where Tyson Kidd gave Primo a Hurricana off the top rope and onto a pile of wrestlers waiting on the floor.

And finally.  Finally, it’s over.  A.W. (Abraham Washington, promoter for Primo and Epico) screws them over by pulling Epico out of the ring and allowing the Primetime Players to get the victory.  He then celebrates with them and it sets up a really nice storyline with these teams and the manager…if they pursue it on TV, that is.  Chances are it will be forgotten because Cena has to make dick jokes or something.

Anyhow, we get a Money in the Bank promo and a recap on the oh-so-exciting legal issues between Triple H and Brock Lesnar.  Boy that’s good sports right there.

[caption id=”attachment_2282” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”Interesting concept. Triple H vs. Your Attention Span.”][/caption]

And lucky for us, our PPV experience comes to grinding halt while Triple H muscle walks his way to the ring in a suit that can’t possibly be his, and he talks to Brock by talking to us.

Long story short:  Triple H wants to forget the lawyers and have a fight at Summer Slam to settle their problems.  Because that’s how executives of multi-million dollar companies resolve contract disputes I guess.

Thankfully it was only 5 minutes of our night, but still, save that shit for RAW wouldja?  I didn’t PAY to hear you blather on about this business.

And backstage we find AJ talking to Daniel Bryan.  She says she’s not trying to distract him but she still loves him. Even though she doesn’t expect him to reciprocate her unrequitted love.  Gives him a kiss for good luck and vanishes.  He goes back to shadow boxing for some reason.  At least he wasn’t staring wistfully off camera for ten minutes.

[caption id=”attachment_2283” align=”aligncenter” width=”266” caption=”If it’s wrong that this turns me on, I don’t want to be right.”][/caption]

And we get a Divas championship match!  Look, I know they treat the Divas like some kind of pee break event, but these ladies can go when they’re given a few minutes of time to do so.  Layla and Beth are two of the best we have and both know how to work a ring.

Layla manages the pinfall with a neckbreaker but that’s not important because backstage….

AJ’s creeping on Kane.  She gives him a good luck kiss on the cheek, then tries to remove his tonsils via mouth-to-mouth face surgery.  It’s disgusting in ways you can’t even begin to imagine.  Jeeeeeeeeeezus, crazy is one thing, but this?

[caption id=”attachment_2284” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”If only we could kill the mood lighting. I can’t shake the feeling that these guys are going to wind up sexing before the match is through.”][/caption]

And back out in the arena, Hunico is being driven to the ring on Camacho’s 23k gold Huffy bike.  He’ll be facing Sin Cara Red.  And you know what?  The crowd needs to shut the hell up and let this man do his thing.  He’s one of the more energetic and exciting performers we have and the crowd is killing him off by ignoring him.

It’s a good match, a short match, but a good match.  Sin Cara gets the win, and we forget all about it so we can run video packages of the build up to the WWE Championship Match.

[caption id=”attachment_2285” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”This kind of shit caters to a very specific and disturbing sexual fetish”][/caption]

My thoughts on this match/feud/clusterf*ck:  Kane is an unnecessary part of this equation.  I can only imagine he’s in here to keep us from getting tired of Punk vs. Bryan.  He adds nothing to the equation, and should really only be used to build younger talent.  Neither of these guys need Kane to put them over.  They’re already where they belong.

Further, the whole AJ is a Crazy Chick angle.  That seems more for Kane’s benefit than anyone else.  What a waste of time.  Plus, she looks like she’s 14, and that makes it extra creepy in my mind.

Also, why the hell is this not your main event?  It’s your title match, the reason guys wrestle in the first place.  You know, to become WWE Champion?  Nope, Big Show/Cena is more important some how.

Anyhow, the match starts up and Punk and Bryan spend an hour kicking the shit out of Kane.  Then they fight each other for a bit.  Kane gets back in and starts monstering the hell out of them.  And it’s really a good match to be honest.  Kane’s about to get the win, and AJ appears on the ring apron out of nowhere.

Punk shoves Kane into her, knocking her off the ring apron.  This of course has Kane (the heartless monster) worried sick, and distracts him long enough for Punk to hit the GTS and get the win.  So Kane leaves the ring to carry her backstage.  Punk gets the win and AJ smiles conspiratorially over Kane’s shoulder.  It’s a setup you guys!  It was all a setup!

ZOMG!  Crazy chick gone crazy!  Blech.

[caption id=”attachment_2286” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”Ryback better watch out. These two are out for vengeance!”][/caption]

From here, we get a RAW Promo and a threat that a permanent Three-Hour Raw Format is coming in July.  Hide yo’ kids, hide yo’ wife!  And to celebrate the 1,000th episode they’re bringing back past superstars such as DX!  And, well, that’s all they mentioned.

Now we’re treated to a Ryback match.  2 on 1 handicap match against local crackheads I guess.  These guys aren’t dead presidents, they’re Dan Delaney and Rob Grymes.  So sad, I thought maybe we could go through all 43 presidents before it was said and done.  I was really hoping to see Ronald Reagan and Richard Nixon team up against Ryback, the dead president killer.

Anyhow, it’s what you expect.  Ryback flat freakin’ kills them and demands to be fed more.  I say feed him.  Let’s start with Santino, Ricardo, Hornswoggle and Zack Ryder.  Curt Hawkins, JTG, Yoshi Tatsu, and pretty much any of the guys they have on Superstars.  Eeeesh.

They start running a promo package for what I thought was their B.A. Star program, but no, it’s a throwback 80’s style promo for SummerSlam in L.A.!  I might be sick.

[caption id=”attachment_2287” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”Looks like a high school reunion photo from hell doesn’t it?”][/caption]

As the cage is lowered, we get a recap on Vince returning to Raw to give a job evaluation that never actually took place, if you recall.  And that leads us to our MAIN EVENT YOU GUYS!  Big Show vs. Cena in a STEEL MUTHA’ F*CKIN’ CAGE to determine if Big Johnny or Jolly Green Johnny are going to be fired.  Because, that’s how you decide who to employ I guess.

Couldn’t you just see that at your local McDonald’s?  ”Tim, Janice, get in the cage.  The first one to escape gets promoted to fry cook, the other can go suck eggs.”  It would absolutely make the fast food industry 1,000 times more exciting.

Anyhow, they have this match and it’s brutal.  Big Show is doing things that I wasn’t aware his big ass could do.  Cena takes a beating like a champ.  Big Show hits a Swagger Bomb on Cena.  Seems everyone can accomplish landing a Swagger Bomb except for Swagger these days.  Ironic?

Anyhow, Cena tries to escape the cage through the door only to have Big Johnny  interfere and hold the door shut.  This causes Vince to come to his rescue and get slammed into the door and knocked unconscious.  It’s about this time that Big Show is trying to get out the door.

Brodus Clay shows up ring side with a steel chair, beating at Big Show to keep him in there.  Santino and Riley jump on the cage, to keep Big Show in there..  He slaps the cage and they literally die.  Big Show is trapped.  There is literally NO WAY OUT you guys!  Clever right?

So Show tries to climb the cage, but wait!  Kofi Kingston just leaped to the top of the cage and kicked Big Show in his fat head to prevent that from happening.  Cena’s trying to climb out of the cage, but has Big Johnny swatting at him with a crutch.  Finally, Cena just drops to the floor and wins.

This prompts Vince to tell Johnny “Yerrrrrrrrr FAHRRRRRRED!”  Sounds just like Yosemite Sam if you ask me.  And of course, as we all know, once you get fired by your boss, someone should pick you up and throw you through a table.  So Cena does just that.

And we’re done.  It’s gonna be RAW tonight folks.  Get your meds.

Original Article

[caption id=”attachment_2246” align=”aligncenter” width=”238” caption=”33% More RAW! 33% More Alcohol Poisoning trying to watch the whole thing”][/caption]

Well, I don’t know that Vince used Extenze so much, as I know RAW was longer tonight.  I suffered through a three hour format for basically one more match and 2,000 more commercial breaks Monday night.  If this is the formula they’re going to use for the new “permanent-until-it’s-not” Three Hour show, I don’t know how I’m going to last.

Anyways, it wasn’t terrible, it had terrible moments, but that’s to be expected.  It was a fun show, and they really played up the return of Vince “Yerrr Fahrrrred!” McMahon.  So that’s a plus.  He’s one of their best on-screen characters anyways.

Let’s get to it.  Here’s a bonus negative though, the return of the Nickelback song for the intro.  I was enjoying the lack of Nickelback.

[caption id=”attachment_2247” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”So…how’s it hangin? You gettin some of Eve? Nice weather. Good to see you.”][/caption]

The show started out with HoverRound Johnny being introduced and hoverin’ round to the ring.  He starts to introduce himself, only to be interrupted by Vince.  Vince apparently shits his pants just before walking out to the ring, but his strut is a thing of beauty in its own right.

They talk about firing Johnny, and Johnny says he has two words for why he shouldn’t be fired…”PEOPLE POWER!”  And this goes on for a while as Vince berates him, Johnny is confidently nervous and defending himself, and there’s a mention that Johnny never had his face shoved up Big Show’s ass by DX.  Vince lets us know that something is trending on Twitter.  Twitter y’all!

Sheamus comes out to rub salt in the wound, and calls Johnny a good friend.  A friend who’ll fine you half-a-million dollars and hold vendettas when you bowl him over on your very Irish way to the ring to fight.  So basically, Sheamus isn’t a fan is what you should be taking away from this mess.  And on and on this goes.  Until finally, Johnny announces a Sheamus surprise opponent match and Vince gives him till the end of the show to decide his fate.

Johnny hobbles backstage, so mad that he forgets his power chair.  So Vince rides the HoverRound back up the stage, and then drives it off the stage to crash on the floor.  That’s reminiscent of Kane rolling a crippled and broken Zack Ryder off the stage while in a wheel chair and back brace.  People felt worse for the HoverRound though.

[caption id=”attachment_2248” align=”aligncenter” width=”238” caption=”Irish Chow Mein is tonight’s first match.”][/caption]

And we come back to get a Del Rio vs Khali replay from Smackdown.  Del Rio suffered a concussion you guys.  That’s how tough Khali is!  Wow.  So they’ll hold a match later to decide on a new number one contender to face Sheamus at the Pay Per View.  In the meantime, Sheamus’ opponent is revealed to be Benihana!  Sorry, Tensai.  Tensai is a fat lump of shit who hasn’t connected with any of the fans.

And they have a good match.  It’s one hell of a fight after they stop hugging each other.  It actually LOOKED to be a fight.  Sheamus was bleeding, etc.  Ultimately however, Sheamus hit the Brogue Kick and won the match.  So of course, we go back stage to witness Vince telling Johnny that he’s 0 for 1 tonight so far and asks who’ll be facing Sheamus on Sunday.

Johnny stammers around for an idea when Vickie breaks in to say she has TWO, count ‘em, TWO former World Heavyweight Champions that would love to face him, and they take it under advisement.  That’s when Johnny says he has an idea, but wants to hear what Teddy would do.  Teddy suggests that they have FOUR former WHC’s and to include Khali and Christian.

Now, to be fair, they have more than four on the roster:  Christian, Khali, Dolph, Swagger, Big Show, Daniel Bryan, Mark Henry, Randy Orton, Kane, CM Punk and John Cena.  But hey, forget history.  And they do.  Teddy suggests a Fatal Four Way Elimination match to determine the #1 contender, and Johnny goes with it. He attempts a fist bump with Vince, and Vince says “A fist bump?  Really?  You have small hands!”  BURRRRRN!  (Kelso would be proud)

[caption id=”attachment_2262” align=”aligncenter” width=”254” caption=”If this guy can punk you, you deserve it. And you deserve an ass whipping.”][/caption]

Commercials!

[caption id=”attachment_2254” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”We’re about two weeks away from Steven Segal coming out to whomp Tensai’s ass.”][/caption]

We return to find Benihana in the ring with Kato  Tensai in the ring with Sakamoto, just belittling the poor guy.  Slapping him around like his bitch, and basically destroying him.  It spills out of the ring, they do more brutal things to the sidekick, and it ends when Tensai has Sakamoto pushed up against the barrier and thrusts his pelvis angrily in Sakamoto’s face.  The USA Network censors must have called Shenanigans on the overtly sexual things going on, because all of the referees poured out to separate the two.

[caption id=”attachment_2263” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”Imagination time! Tensai is the dog. Sakamoto’s face is the pillow. The couch is the crowd barrier. And…ACTION!”][/caption]

Seriously guys, it’s ok to be into each other, and I don’t care what you do behind closed doors, just keep it off my damn television.  Tensai face-humping Sakamoto is just a bit too much to handle.

This leads into Cole and King gushing about the 1,000th episode coming up and say that even “for-real” entertainers are excited.  Like who, you might ask?  Like Seth F*cking Green, that’s who!  Jeeeezus.

Then R-Truth is backstage with Matt Striker talking about Big Show beating the shit out of them recently, and such.  All of a sudden Big Show does a waddle-by and lays Truth out with a knockout punch!

Commercials, seriously.

[caption id=”attachment_2250” align=”aligncenter” width=”400” caption=”Concussion Testing is serious business you guys.”][/caption]

Santino will be teamed with Layla to face Beth Phoneix and Ricardo Rodriguez in a mixed tag match!  Whoopee.  The ladies start it off and goddamn they’re good together.  Let them fight!  Let them fight!  And it devolves into a comedy skit where Santino runs Ricardo into the ring post without touching him, and revealing that Ricardo’s wearing a Bieber tee under his suit.  Who the hell wrestles in a suit?

Backstage, Otunga is kissing up to Vince trying to worm his way into Johnny’s job if he’s fired.  Vince calls him a parasite, and then Kofi appears.  Kofi mad.  Kofi Want Big Show!  Kofi Smash!  Johnny grants the match, only it will be a “CAGE MATCH!” y’all!  and….commercial.

[caption id=”attachment_2251” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”What is this? A Love Paralellogram? Jeeeeezus.”][/caption]

It’s a recap with Punk/DB/Kane/AJ.  And then Daniel “YES YES YES” Bryan comes out to educate us.  He says he’s nothing like Punk and Kane, calls AJ a 95lb weakness and says Punk is only with her to try to make him jealous.  But that won’t work because he’s SOOOOO over her now.  But he can’t blame her for still being in love with him because “Once you go Bryan, there’s no point in Tryin’!”  What?

So Punk comes out, Daniel says he panders to everyone.  For someone who claims to be the voice of the voiceless you’re all about yourself.  You’re a CM Sellout, or some such shit.  Well, Punk won’t take that sitting down.  No, he calls DB “Goatface” and the idiots in the crowd chant it for about a half hour.

Then Kane.  Kane gives us his highlights such as:

• Once set Good Ol’ Jim Ross on fire
• Electrocuted Shane McMahon’s testicles
• Gave a Tombstone piledriver to a priest

He neglected trying to kill Zack Ryder multiple times, but I digress.  And I wish to hell he would have digressed.  Big Johnny shows up on screen and puts all four of them in a match.  Yes, Daniel Bryan and Kane will face CM Punk and AJ. B.A. Star Johnny!

[caption id=”attachment_2253” align=”aligncenter” width=”270” caption=”Well Holy Jumpin Jesus Shitballs! You can track your pizza ONLINE!”][/caption]

All the while, King and Lawler are going apeshit over this wild new online tool from Domino’s called PIZZA TRACKER!  Can you believe it?  You can actually TRACK the PROGRESS of your PIZZA on the computer!!!!!  Holy shit, we have finally reached the peak of human innovation!  F*ck Dominos and their pizza tracker, pizza hero and shitty pizza.

[caption id=”attachment_2252” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”Wade Barret’s hurt, so the logical replacement has got to be Khali!”][/caption]

Now comes Christian, Dolph, Jack and Khali for their match.  Of course, they all three team up on Khali and get him out first.  Then it gets good.  All three guys can really work a match.  And it’s what you’d expect.  The double team against Christian.  Christian fights back valiantly and hits the Kill Switch on Swagger, only to have Dolph steal the pinfall.  Now it’s Christian and Dolph and it’s GOOD.  Both guys are incredible to watch and they give it their all.  Dolph ultimately wins, but you knew that going in if you were paying attention.

As Dolph walks backwards up the ramp, Sheamus comes out to talk trash and point fingers at him.  Backstage, Natalya is talking to Vince for some reason.  She’s asking for another Hart Family reunion.  Vince can’t get away fast enough, and runs into the Funkadactyls who are imploring Vince to bring Brodus back to RAW.  They do it while rubbing butts and flirting.  Vince finally says “Somebody Call My Momma!” and white dances with them a bit.

Zack Ryder is staring at Vince in horror.  To which Vince replies, “Woo Woo Woo YOU Know it!” and shit-walks off camera into a commercial.  So Zack is still alive.

[caption id=”attachment_2255” align=”aligncenter” width=”293” caption=”If he ever faces Big Show and Khali, he will be a cornfed Meathead grease stain.”][/caption]

It’s RYBACK Time!  YES!  I love this freakin monster.  And he’s facing TWO MORE nobodies tonight.  I really wish they would Feed Him More in the way of actual WWE competition, but the best part for me?  These two skinny guys came out and called themselves “Rutherford Hayes and Willard Filmore”.  Hayes, by the way, looked exactly like every Japanese Yakuza extra in every Japanese mafia movie ever made.

Short version:  Hayes gets triple power bombed, Filmore tries to run and gets killed outside of the ring before the double back slam.  I still love Ryback killing guys though.

The Steel Cage is being lowered, but we have commercials to tend to first.  Pizza Tracker, USA Shitty Original Programming Promos!

[caption id=”attachment_2256” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”Remember this used to be Vince’s illegitimate son? No? Carry on then.”][/caption]

Somehow, and for some reason, Vince is backstage with Hornswoggle watching video of Hornswoggle impersonating Jim Ross.  Vince says he’s not doing it right and makes fun of JR’s voice and Bells Palsy.  B.A. Star indeed.

Anyhow, Cena shows up, says Big Hoverin’ Johnny sucks and needs to go.  Vince says what would YOU know, seeing’s how you lost to the Rock at Wrestlemania and all?  Then Otunga shows up to kiss more ass, Vince isn’t impressed and asks who could respect a man who would willingly kiss another grown man’s ass?  The camera pans to a dejected looking William Regal on the couch.  Poor Regal.

Finally, Kofi gets to the ring and Big show lumbers out.  And then?  Commercials.  Yes.  COMMERCIALS!  GODAMMIT!

[caption id=”attachment_2257” align=”aligncenter” width=”228” caption=”You’d think Kofi would have learned by now. But nooooo, can’t tell that dude nothin’.”][/caption]

To Kofi’s credit, he tries to surprise the giant by attacking him before the bell rings.  That works as well as you expected it would and Kofi spends the next 8 minutes having the Jamaican accent simultaneously beaten back into him and back out of him.  It’s brutal, and it makes Show look like the beast he should be. Good stuff.

Finally Show wins, and leaves the ring.  I fully suspected we’d see Shredded Dreaded Kofi ribbons laying all over the ring.  I wasn’t far off.  No blood, but I guarantee he needed some Excedrin after this one.  Backstage Johnny is happy about this turn of events, but first we need commercials!

Three HOURS OF RAW folks…nearly a full hour of commercials tonight.  Get used to it.

[caption id=”attachment_2258” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”Screw you haters. I like Sin Cara.”][/caption]

Sin Cara is here.  It’s the Sin Cara Red once more.  I wonder if that’s anything like Johnny Walker Red?  Anyhow, he’s facing Curt Hawkins and the crowd could give a hot shit.  No matter that the match was a solid affair, nobody gave a shit.  There was even one drunk asshole screaming about “BRING BACK MYSTERIO, THIS GUY SUCKS” or some such shit.  Dude, really, go to hell.  Sin Cara is the tits!

Then we get a YouTube promo and an official Countdown Clock on Johnny’s job situation.  Then we get another goddamn commercial.

We return to find Daniel Bryan having a zen moment backstage and Vince wishing him good luck.  They have words and Vince insults his look.  DB says I proved you wrong, you fired me and I proved you wrong.  I defied expectations.  Then another goddamn commercial.

[caption id=”attachment_2259” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”I ask for three things, WWE. 1.) Beat Heath Slater’s ass every week on TV. 2.) Funkasaurus, 3.) Ryback destroying Asian dudes named after old White Presidents”][/caption]

We come back to Dolph telling us how much he loved RAW’s first ever episode when he was a dorky kid.  And I don’t give a damn.

For some reason, Heath Slater is in the ring and on my T.V.  This guy is the worst.  He’s on the microphone and wants to know why all the past superstars are being celebrated.  He’s the future.  He’s the one man band, somehow he dropped the rock part, and said that it’s Slater Time Slater Time Slater Time!

Of course, that means only one thing.  We’re getting a former superstar to beat his ass.  And we do.  It’s VADER!  In all his flabby, pasty pale glory.  And he soundly whips the shit out of Slater.  He hits the Vader Bomb and ends things.  The crowd’s chanting “You still got it”.  Well hell, I can do what Vader does, he’s a fat piece of shit.  But he’s fun to see.

We get an actual B.A. Star promo and move on to AJ with Punk backstage.  Punk reassures her that they can trust each other and he’ll take care of things if she promises to “Do Nothing Crazy!”  She’s a crazy chick, that’s why you dig her CM Punk, if she doesn’t do crazy things, you won’t dig her because she won’t be a crazy chick anymore.  Commercial.

And back, we have the handicap/mixed tag match.  Punk and AJ vs. Bryan and Kane.  Wheeeee!

Honestly, I hate Triple Threat matches and this is a prelude to a triple threat match on Sunday.  This is somehow worse.  It’s Punk in a handicap match, for all intents and purposes.  AJ isn’t someone we care about because she’s a crazy chick and nobody knows what she’s all about.

So the match starts and it’s a match.  Somehow Punk is shoved into AJ and the ref calls it a legal tag. She gets in the ring with Kane.  Then she jumps up on Kane, wrapping her arms around his neck and her legs around his waist and kisses him.  It’s gross.  She’s built like a 12 year old girl and he’s built like a 40 year old sex offender.  But it freaks him out and he tags out to Bryan.

Bryan doesn’t mind beating a woman though.  But she’s quick and tags in Punk who whomps his ass and ends the match with a Macho Man elbow drop.  What the serious f*ck?  Kane’s still enjoying the afterglow of his female encounter and AJ sits down criss-cross-applesauce in the middle of the ring while Punk looks at her.  I’m so goddamn confused.

Commercial time!

[caption id=”attachment_2260” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”Anyone else think that maybe Rent-A-Cops aren’t the best security in a business full of freakishly huge muscled monsters? No? Just me? Carry on then.”][/caption]

So McMahon comes to the ring with a gaggle of “security” guards to give HobbleRound Johnny his final evaluation.  Johnny comes out and says “You don’t need security.  Whatever you decide I will abide by peacefully”.  Vince says the security is to protect Johnny when he’s fired.

So…..Johnny whines about his scooter being destroyed and we move on.  Big Show comes out and interrupts.  With his iron-clad contract he can do what he wants, when he wants, how he wants.  If you fire me, you still gotta pay me…blah blah blah.

Cena comes out and he’s ready to get his Columbo on.  He ponders out the problems we’re having and decides that if Show loses Sunday he’s got nothing left.  What happens if you lose?  You’ve played all your cards.  You’ll still be a loser, blah, blah, effin’ blah.

Vince says if Show loses Sunday, so too will Big Johnny lose his job.  So shit, now we have the Pay Per View centered around this garbage.  Then they brawl in the ring, Show tries to Knock-out Punch Cena, but Cena ducks and he manages to hit Vince instead.  And it’s over.

Hope you enjoyed it, because I sure as hell didn’t.  I mean, I liked parts and pieces, but it was too long to enjoy properly.  Even this article felt tedious this week and it’s one of my shortest.  Let’s hope they get things figured out soon.

Original Article

[caption id=”attachment_2215” align=”aligncenter” width=”238” caption=”While we support Anti-Bullying outside the ring, Inside the ring it’s all about ratings baby!”][/caption]

Ok, first off let me apologize for being so lax on updating the site lately.  I’m sorry.  Really, I’m sorry.  Actually, I’m not.  See, I run a sign shop on my own and I’ve been busier than hell this past week.  So you people can suck it.  See?  YOU PEOPLE!  I’m a heel!  Anyhow, I hope to be back to regular updates this week for you.

Tonight’s RAW was, well, it was something.  We had some wrestling, we had some storylines, and we also had Pizza Hero job offers from Domino’s.  It’s a win-win-lose situation.  Overall, not a terrible show.  It had it’s moments.

I’d also like to state, for the record, that I started watching RAW at 10 pm, ONE FULL HOUR after the start time of the live show thanks to my DVR.  At 11:10 my time, I had 20 minutes left of actual RAW programming to watch.  By my calculations, that’s nearly 45 minutes of wasted time.  I forwarded through every commercial break and the Big Show interview towards the end of the program.  Yes, they hate us that much.

As always, I’m going to ask you to follow me on Twitter, Facebook and to leave a comment if you can.  As always, you’re going to ignore my pleas and go on with your life anyways.  The best I can do is ask.  The best you can do is goddamned help a brother out!

Let’s get this thing over with shall we?  We shall.

[caption id=”attachment_2216” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”That’s what you get for being athletic you prick!”][/caption]

The show starts off without Nickelback once again.  OH THANK YOU JESUS!  At least one thing is going in our favor here.  But we’re treated to a Big Show’s baddest moments collection of video clips that lasts about 5 minutes.  He’s a bad dude.  He has an “iron-clad” contract and can do whatever he wants.  Yes folks, he’s a BAAAAAAAAAAD man!

From there, we go to the ring.  Michael Cole is in the ring letting us know he’s going to have his “exclusive” interview with John Cena.  Well, who the hell else would bother interviewing him about a story line?  Josh Matthews?  That’d be a 5 second interview where Josh either: a.) stares wistfully in the distance after Cena stomps away, or b.) lands in a curtain and gets permanent brain damage after Cena clubs him.

Here’s the gist of it:

John Cena:  John Laurinaitis is a power hungry bully.  Unlike me, who’s just a regular bully that some people like.  I didn’t get a chance to stand up for the Big Show when he was fired, because I was waiting to do it at the Pay-Per-View.  I only stand up for my friends when there’s a buy-rate to worry about.  Big Show ruined that for me.

Michael Cole:  It’s not all about you.  Big Show did what he had to do.  He has a family to feed.

Gutmeister:  Wait, what?  Since when does Big Show have a family?  I thought he got divorced?  What the hell is going on here?  Where are all the little Giants?  Ugh.

J.C.:  It’s Big Show’s fault that Big Show is at fault.

M.C.:  You’re just jealous.  You’re a mean girl, blah, blah, friggin-blah.

Here’s come Hoverround Johnny!

Hoverround Johnny:  I’m Hoverround Johnny and I have twelve job titles.  Last week, I let Big Show pick his opponent.  In the interest of fairness, People Power and the American Way, I’m letting John Cena pick his opponent.  Only you can’t pick Big Show (he’s not here), and you can’t pick me because I’m retired!  Ha-ha!  Eat it Cena!

J.C.:  Ok, I pick Cole.

M.C.:    Whaaaaaa?

Hoverround Johnny:  Ok, so it’s a done deal.  Cena vs. Cole.  The match nobody in the history of ever wanted to see.  This is ratings gold!

And from there, we find out the following:

CM Punk will face Kane in a match where “there MUST BE A WINNER” and Sheamus will face Dolph Ziggler.

Commercial Time!  Pizza hero y’all!  Get a high score, and win a minimum wage job making shitty pizza.  Maybe.

[caption id=”attachment_2217” align=”aligncenter” width=”230” caption=”Medicare may be able to help you purchase your very own Big Johnny Hoverround. You, too, can be an asshole on wheels.”][/caption]

We come back Cole is backstage begging Hoverround Johnny to get him out of the match.  Hoverround Johnny isn’t having any parts of it.  The match is set!  Intrigue at it’s finest!

So the Pizza Hut slam of the week is Sheamus beating the hell out of Otunga.  That’s great stuff.  Thanks Pizza Hut!

And Sheamus comes out to the ring, followed by his opponent.  Sheamus and Ziggler have a decent match.  I’m willing to say that Ziggler can make any opponent look like pure gold when he’s fighting them.  He’s simply amazing to watch.

By the way, Twitter is a thing and Michael Cole is trending.  So, yeah.

Anyhow, Vickie distracts Sheamus who winds up outside the ring.  We’re going to commercial.  Will Sheamus be in control when we return or will the momentum swing in Dolph’s favor?  Those magical commercial breaks keep me on the edge of my seat!

We come back and Sheamus is in control.  Well, there you go!  Thank you, Magical Commercial Break!  Sheamus really needed that assist.  Meanwhile, Jerry Lawler is busy comparing Sheamus’ pigmentation to the color of Dolph’s hair.  In the South there’s nothing racist, so he’s going to start soft with white-guy jokes.  Wait till the Mexicans show up later.

It’s a solid match, and Sheamus of course wins it.  This would have been a Randy Orton vs. Dolph Ziggler match if Orton hadn’t been high on PCP or Acid or whatever the hell he got busted and suspended 60 days for.  So instead we get Dolph losing to a Brogue Kick instead of an RKO.  Not a fair trade in my estimation.

Sheamus celebrates on the stage.  He should know better.  Alberto Del Rio and Ricardo Rodriguez jump him and beat the hell out of him for a while.  Because, Pay Per View.

And we go to Commercial.

[caption id=”attachment_2218” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”I’m sorry David, but your coffee mug clashes with your sweater vest. Also, why do you have bigger tits than Eve?”][/caption]

We return to find Big Johnny and Otunga having a moment.  Otunga tells him to look at his fancy tablet where he has WWE.com pulled up.  Vince McMahon will be here next week, LIVE ON RAW!  Internets are kewl!  He’ll be giving Hoverround Johnny a live, in-ring job evaluation.  Because, that’s how it works I guess.

Cole is showing us the same web site on his shitty tablet computer as we return to ringside.  However, Sin Cara is back!  He’s coming the ring in RED mask and tights.  I love this guy.  He’s not technically sound, but he’s a blast to watch in the ring.

Who’s he facing?  Why, FAKE Sin Cara of course.  Hunico to the uninitiated.  Hunico rides out to the ring on his 24k gold Schwinn driven by Camacho, the Samoan Mexican.

And the match starts.  This is a lot of fun to watch, if only they’d kill the mood lighting.  I feel like they should be falling in love instead of fighting all the time with the soft red lights.

Also, instead of bouncing into the ring by way of a trampoline, Sin Cara now does a face-first baseball slide under the bottom rope.  Still fun to watch.  He doesn’t skimp on the acrobatics during his matches.  I’m so glad to see him return.  I’m also in the minority here.

It was a quick match and Sin Cara wins it.  I would watch this man bounce around for hours.  He’s so talented.

Commercial break!

[caption id=”attachment_2219” align=”aligncenter” width=”206” caption=”Yes, two of this guy versus a muscle with eyeballs. Great booking. At least it was Ryback and not Mason Ryan.”][/caption]

We’re about to witness a 2-on-1 Handicap Match.  Wait right there.  Shouldn’t that be a 2-on-1 Differently Abled Match?  B.A. Star and all, right?   Anyhow, they got two local boys to face RYBACK.  RYBACK ON RAW Y’ALL!  HOLY SHIT!

The local boys introduce themselves as, and I’m not making this up, “Stan Stansky” and “Arthur Rosenberg”.  So, in the interest of being the resident asshole, I’m going to ask two questions.

“Stan Stansky”, doesn’t that sound like some B-movie character that gets raped by hillbillies?

“Arthur Rosenberg”, no offense, but, how many Jewish athletes do you know of?

Anyhow, Ryback makes short work of these two.  Their combined weight makes them equal to one solid Dungeons and Dragons nerd with a bag of Doritos.  But still, RYBACK!  YES!  He’s what we need.  An asskicker who can talk if he needs to.  Unlike Brock, who’s an asskicker who likely shits himself every ten minutes thanks to medical complications.

By the way, if you’re looking for employment, play Pizza Hero, the Domino’s pizza app.  They might hire you to make shitty pizzas!  Yes, it’s Commercial time!

[caption id=”attachment_2220” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”One of these things is not like the other, two of these thing are almost the same.”][/caption]

We come back to see CM Punk coming out to face Kane.  I had a thought concerning all of CM Punk’s matches taking place at the midway point of the show.  I’m sure that I’m giving them all way too much credit here, but hear me out.

CM Punk is a Chicago native.  The Chicago Bears are known as the “Monsters of the Midway”.  Punk’s matches are always at the “midway” point of the show.  Is this on purpose?  If so, they are extremely clever.  If not, email me WWE and I’ll tell you where to send the check for that great marketing idea.

Anyhow, he’s facing Kane.  But first, Daniel Bryan comes out to watch from the announce table.  Apparently he’s not comfortable watching on the LCD T.V. backstage like everyone else.  He also wants to have a quick Q&A with us.

D.B. asks:

1. Is AJ delusional since I dumped her?  YES!
2. Will Kane destroy C.M. Punk tonight?  YES!
3. Will I become the new WWE Champ at the No Way Out PPV?  YES YES YES YES OH GOD YES!

And the match starts.  It’s a good match because CM Punk.  They go back and forth for a while.  Kane’s in charge, and we go to commercial.  Will Kane still be in control after the commercial?  Let’s find out together!

Commercial Break!

We’re back and Kane is no longer in complete control.  They’re trading blows.  Daniel Bryan watches on.  Punk goes for the GTS but fails.  Outside the ring, Punk gets kicked by Daniel Bryan behind the ref’s back.  Kane’s back on top!

It’s about now that A.J. comes out to, I don’t know, stand around?  She climbs up on the ring apron and Daniel Bryan screams at her to get down and go away. She doesn’t.  Punk dives out of the ring onto Bryan.  Kane grabs Punk and goes for the Chokeslam win!  A.J. isn’t good for Punk.

But wait!  Intrigue!  Bryan tries to save A.J. from Kane.  Kane’s busy leering at her in the ring.  Bryan gets his ass kicked.  Kane goes back to A.J. and she smiles at him all cutesy like.  He leaves.  Apparently if you’re not someone’s father, Kane isn’t interested in you “that” way.

And it’s Commercial Time!  Be a Hero!  A PIZZA HERO!

[caption id=”attachment_2221” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”Josh Matthews in the middle of a three way. Well, let’s not burst his bubble shall we?”][/caption]

Josh Matthews is interviewing A.J. backstage.  He’s asking about the “smile” she gave Kane in the ring.  A.J. stammers a bit and then gets all super-serious you guys!

A.J.:  I like it when men look at me.  Do you not like looking at me?  Look at me. I’m 75lbs of pre-pubescent girl!  Love me you Pedophile.

(admittedly, I’m paraphrasing here)  Basically they’re trying to make her into a manipulative bitch, a la Eve’s pre-hoeski days.

We get a Recap of Cena choosing to fight Michael Cole!  You’re welcome Greenville, SC.  THIS is the match you spent all that money to see tonight.

Cole is now begging us to use “social media”, Twitter, Facebook, etc to help him get out of his match with Cena.  The internet.  The same internet that Vince and company have shit on for years because we don’t know what we want.  Use that, and participate you guys.  Be manipulated by the machine!

Now, we get a Big Show interview.  He’s talking to the camera all by himself, telling us why he is an asshole now.  I didn’t bother watching all 10 minutes of this shit, and neither should you.  Let’s go to Commercial.  Wait, we can’t.

Kofi and R-truth are coming out.  Who can they be fighting?  Dolph broke up the Swaggler tag-team.  There’s literally no other opponents for them.

Commercial.  We’ll have to wait to find out.

[caption id=”attachment_2222” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”(insert generic white-guy tag team here)”][/caption]

Well shit.  It’s Tyler Reks and Curt Hawkins.  One who’s got the look to be a WWE wrestler and one who’s got nothing to recommend him.  You can figure out which is which.

As always, Kofi and R-Truth give us a solid show.  Reks and Hawkins suck.  I’m sorry, but they’re boring as hell.  Might as well have been the Law Offices of Stansky and Rosenberg again.

As for Kofi and Truth, they need a team name.  ”R-Boom”, “Kofi-Truth” or “Jamaican Jimmy” are my choices.  Both Kofi and Truth have Ace bandages wrapped around random upper-body parts.  I guess because Big Show killed them last week.  But, neither of them let their obvious injuries slow them down any.  I wonder how they block out the pain?

So, um, ok.  Kofi and Truth win.  You missed nothing.

Commercial time.  Again, I started watching this on DVR exactly ONE HOUR after the official start time, and there’s 20 minutes of program left to go, thanks to my fast forwarding of the Big Show interview and all of the Pizza Hero and Just for Men commercials.  And they wonder why ratings are down.

[caption id=”attachment_2223” align=”aligncenter” width=”238” caption=”Health codes prohibit this guy from spitting in his hand and touching your face.”][/caption]

We return for a 1,000th RAW promo with Triple H.  I didn’t watch this either.  I can only imagine HHH said “This business” and “end of an era” a few dozen times.

Cena’s coming out to the ring but Michael Cole hasn’t gone backstage to change his clothes.  Will the much-anticipated Cole vs. Cena match take place?  Let’s find out together.

Wait!  Here comes Hoverround Johnny to let us know that in the interest of People Power, the Cole vs. Cena match will take place as a no disqualification match!  But, only if Cena can beat the mystery opponent first.  Who could it be? Here’s a few choices.  Write down your choice before reading past the list, let’s see who’s right.

• Big Show (even though he wasn’t supposed to be there)
• Ric Flair
• Hulk Hogan
• Doink the Clown
• Brock Lesnar
• The Rock
• Tensai (no longer LORD Tensai, apparently he angered the Queen)
• Hornswoggle
• Zack Ryder
• Eve Torres
• Kelly Kelly
• Jerry Lawler

Ok, did you write down your guess?  Let’s see who’s been paying attention to WWE booking.

[caption id=”attachment_2224” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”What I paid to see. A doughy white guy covered in BBQ sauce. What specific kind of fetish is this anyways?”][/caption]

It’s TENSAI!  Yup, the man we’ve all been clamoring to see 100% less of.  And he’s no longer wearing his robe or mask to the ring.  However, he still has Kato accompanying him to the ring, so that’s something I guess.

And they fight.  And it’s a lumbering match where Tensai gets the upper hand, then Cena fights back a bit and then Tensai regains control.  Look, I hate Tensai, I’m sorry.  He’s not a bad performer, but to be matched up immediately with Cena makes it hard for me to take him seriously.  He’ll be a mid-card chump in a month, fighting the likes of Santino and Ryder.  No, build him right and I’ll take an interest.  This is goddamned stupid.

They take a commercial, but I’ll spare you the Pizza Hero details.  We keep on fighting back and forth.  Finally, Cena hulks up and forgets all about the past 10 minutes when a 300+ pound dude was basically killing him.  He hits his five moves of doom for the win.

This leads us to the inevitable Cole vs. Cena match.  This is where WWE and John Cena could really live up to their anti-bullying campaign of B.A. Star.  F*ck that, Cena’s gonna beat the hell out of Cole.

Cole takes off through the crowd, only to be caught and noogied all the way back to the ring.  They have words, Cole strips off his jacket and tie.  Cena beats his ass and strips him down to his underwear and socks.  Then he humiliates Cole.  B.A. Star indeed.  Along the way, Cena stomps on Cole’s testicles.  Just sayin’.  B. A. Star.

J.C.:  Apologize to Jerry for picking on him.

M.C.:  I’m sorry

J.C.:  Apologize to Jim Ross for humiliating him.

M.C.:  I’m sorry

Now Cena asks for BBQ sauce and Jerry somehow happens to have three bottles of it at ringside.  No idea why.  Cena dumps it on Cole and then sprays him with a fire extinguisher.  B.A. Star kids!  He then attempts to give him an attitude adjustment.  Tensai comes back and slams him.  Cole attempts the pin.  Cena kicks out.

Cena hits the A.A. and gets the pin.  This was a retarded match that involved BBQ sauce, a grown man in his boxer-briefs and a fire extinguisher.  Ratings gold if you ask me.

Let me know what you thought of RAW in the comments.  I’ll see ya next week for THREE GODDAMNED HOURS of RAW!

Original Article

[caption id=”attachment_2180” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”All of the build up, none of the money shot. RAW is Blueballs.”][/caption]

It’s once again time to steel yourself for the disasterpiece theater that will become Monday Night Raw.  Actually, that’s unfair.  RAW hasn’t been completely awful and you can see where they’re working to build some decent storylines and give us a few more matches here and there.  It’s just…it’s just that they seem to ruin the momentum they build with umpteen video packages and backstage promos that go nowhere.

I think that’s what disturbs me the most.  They have all this potential to be GOOD and they choose to do something else instead.  CM Punk was on a roll around this time last year, and it went to hell after he came back.  Pipe bomb?  More like shit bomb.  Still a great performer, but his character hasn’t been what it was when it was good.

Anyhow, let’s look at what you can expect tonight, we’ll all go get drunk around 8pm and tune in at 9 to enjoy whatever the hell they give us.  Yes?  Yes.  YES!

Also, leave a comment, follow me on Twitter and Facebook why don’t ya?  It’s not like you have anything better to do.

[caption id=”attachment_2181” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”That’s an awful lot of hate (and cholesterol) to rise above.”][/caption]

So, here’s what you should be looking for this evening. Let’s start off with the Big Show/Big Johnny/Jolly Green Cena Menage à Trois, shall we?  We shall.  When we last left our trio, they were having issues among themselves as to who was truly in charge of things, who was never giving up and who was the biggest big freak of a big big giant big son of a bitch ever.

Since we all know the answers, where do we go from here?  It’s obvious that Cena will face Big Show at the next PPV event, the question is “How do we get there from here?”  They’ve already planted the seed of distrust and hatred between the two competitors, so now they have to build it to a grudge match.

Cena’s gonna have some talkin’ to do tonight!  Big Show laid him out with a cartoony knock-out punch to end the show last week.  He may go for something physical, but my money is on Show taking another cheap shot at Cena to provoke some kind of incident.  There’s no way Cena steps up and attacks first.  He’s just a stand up guy.

[caption id=”attachment_2182” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”I kicked that flag’s ass and got 30 days. I’m a baaaad man!”][/caption]

Randy Orton and Chris Jericho.  Wait, didn’t Jericho just get suspended 30 days for desecrating the Brazilian flag?  Ah well, there’s always the redux of Kane vs. Orton until Jericho comes back I guess.  I know you missed Kane’s Family Fun Time as much as I did.  Perhaps Big Bob Orton will show up and Kane can chokeslam him through an Amublance and through the stage floor before locking him in a deep freeze.

Look for this to be ignored mostly until Smackdown is taped on Tuesday night.  I can’t see them spending much time on a suspension angle on RAW right now.

[caption id=”attachment_2183” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”It would be more realistic and more fun to watch if Santino just gave him a prostate exam tonight.”][/caption]

Santino Marella and Ricardo Rodriguez.  Wait, what?  WHY?  Oh jesus christ.  They’re burying the U.S. Title along with Ricardo.  It’s a joke setup for a joke match and the belt will suffer because of it.

Can we just strip the belt off Santino, give it to someone with a shred of credibility?  Hell, JTG is more believable as a champion than Santino with his sock punch.

[caption id=”attachment_2184” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”Wait a second here, these guys are wrestling. I didn’t tune in to RAW to watch WRESTLING! Where’s Hornswoggle?”][/caption]

CM Punk and Daniel Bryan will be announced soon for the PPV rematch.  Plus, Kane.  Kane is involved in this shit as the big ape they use to attack each other rather than actually attacking each other.  It’s compellingly awful booking if you ask me.

Why do we need Kane involved in this at all?  Is it his swan song?  Are they afraid we’re enjoying Punk vs. Bryan too much and they want to water it down some?  Or does Kane have pictures of the creative team that they’ll do anything to avoid having them go public?

I don’t get it, I don’t want it and neither do you.  Let Kane start working with the mid-card guys who need some recognition.

[caption id=”attachment_2185” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”This is the promo for USA Network’s new original series: Ponytail Justice.”][/caption]

HHH vs. Heyman.  Law & Order: Steroid Unit.  It’s been a while since we’ve had to suffer any of HHH’s nonsense on the microphone and Heyman coming back to be Brock Lesnar’s mouth piece.

Frankly I’m fine with that.  Let’s forget that one ever happened and we can move on ok guys?  Really.  Let it go.

But no, this will have to be brought up sooner or later and tonight seems like the kind of “phone-it-in” night that RAW was waiting for in order to put this shit back on our televisions.

So yes, it’s going to be a hit or miss show with more missing than hits, I’m afraid.  I would love to be proven wrong though.  Let’s see what happens.  Feel free to leave your comments and thoughts below.

Original Article

[caption id=”attachment_2117” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”WWE Blew Their Wad Weeks Ago”][/caption]

With Over The Limit mercifully Over and Done With, we get to deal with the inevitable fall out from the event tonight on Raw.  Lucky us.

Keep in mind that Big Show helped Big Johnny beat slightly bigger than average Johnny last night.  So we have to deal with those ramifications.  More People Power, more Otunga, more Eve and more bullshit.  Thanks WWE!

I fully expect Big Show to half-assedly explain his actions.  It was desperation or he was tired of being overlooked and now hates Cena or someone stole his Twinkie and he lost his goddamned mind.  Either way, this is going to happen.

We also have to deal with the epic match that CM Punk and Daniel Bryan put on .  They’re surely not going to leave this where it lies.  Time to gear up for the rematch in a cage at the next PPV.

We may or may not see some of the crap from the Smackdown side of the roster wherein Cody Rhodes lost his title belt to a returning Christian and Sheamus retaining his title in the Fatal Four Way match.

Beyond that, there’s not much to look forward to, unless they decide to bring in more Corporate lawsuit nonsense with Triple H and Paul Heyman by way of Brock Lesnar.

Which I sincerely hope they don’t bother with tonight.  Between the talking, the vacation slide recaps from the PPV and Cena getting fired or suspended or some such shit, I don’t think I could handle Triple H talking in an ill fitting suit on top of it.

I also suspect we’ll be treated to some kind of tag team thing with Kofi/R-Truth and the new A.W. Primo and Epico conglomerate.  Whoopty shit.  They treat the tag division like the Divas division, with less impressive boobs.

I know that just about everyone who blogs about the WWE believes they can write better storylines and more compelling television than the creative group already in place.  I don’t think that I’m able to do it consistently, but sometimes some of this stuff writes itself.  Why go so far outside of reality when you’ve got some really easy built-in stuff to work with?

Feel free to use the comments section to weigh in with your opinions on the upcoming show.  If we can get some participation going here, maybe I’ll be able to offer up some kind of prizes for everyone in the future.

Original Article

[caption id=”attachment_2060” align=”aligncenter” width=”238” caption=”2 Hours TV Time. 15 Minutes Wrestling. That’s quality entertainment.”][/caption]

Raw.  Oh Raw.  Why do you continue to do this to us?  It’s getting painful to sit through two-plus hours of your programming anymore.  You know what though?  Maybe it’s me.  Maybe I’m expecting too much from you, and I’ll admit it’s a possibility.  A remote one.

Anyhow, this show took place in Pittsburgh and is the last live television show before the Over the Limit PPV event this Sunday.  An event that has one marquee matchup that anybody is going to give two shits about.  Otherwise, you’re dealing with filler matches because this is a throw-away PPV for the company.  Save your $45, tune in Monday night and watch still photos from the event.

As always, I’ll ask you to follow me on Twitter and leave a comment below.  As always, you’ll flat freakin’ ignore that request and I’ll go through life thinking nobody likes me.  And I’m fine with that.  Really.  I’m fine.  Just stop asking me, OK?

Let’s get through this shit.

[caption id=”attachment_2061” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”When you see two men in suits arguing on wrestling show, you know you’re watching the best they have to offer.”][/caption]

The show starts off with a backstage moment between HHH and Big Johnny.  Big Johnny stops him and basically blows smoke up his ass.  Apologizing for having to see him get hurt the way he did at Brock Lesnar’s hands.  Apologizing for not interfering or helping because he knew that HHH the man wouldn’t want any assistance.  He’d want to fight.

HHH remains mute, mostly, saying that anything he has to say he’ll say to the entire world.  And points “out there”.

We get the intro Nickelback theme this week.  So it’s already off to a banner start.  And then HHH’s music hits and it’s time to play the corporate jackass game.

HHH gets in the ring and starts hammering home some points.  Here’s the highlights for you:

• The physical pain isn’t a big deal.  Ain’t no thang.
• He’s offended by Brocks “Legitimacy” comments
• He thought when he was fighting Undertaker at WM that he was legitimately doing so.
• Brock not only offended our beloved COO, but every superstar from Hulk Hogan to Ric Flair, to Kofi Kingston, and somehow to Hornswoggle.  I don’t know, but he named every wrestler he could think of.
• Brock also offended “you people”.
• Twitter Time:  #TimeToPlayTheGame is trending WORLD-F*CKING-WIDE you guys!

He then goes on to say that Brock Lesnar had all the parts and talent to be big.  Back in 2002, HHH thought as much.  But as soon as Brock reached the top and found that he had to dig deep, get that extra little something, he quit.  He went to UFC, got to the top, found it wasn’t easy, had to dig deep, get that extra little something, blah blah freakin’ blah.  He quit.

Back in WWE, he quit.  I’m paraphrasing, but you get the idea.  This bit goes on for 20 goddamn minutes.

Paul Heyman comes out while HHH is busy tearing Brock apart verbally.  And Heyman has a legal looking guy with him holding a very important envelope.

I’m not recapping all of Heyman’s comments.  Let’s just say that he goads HHH into grabbing him by the face, serving him with a lawsuit from Brock for “breech of contract” and then informs HHH that he’s also being sued for assault and battery.

This entire segment served to do one thing.  Set up a HHH vs Lesnar matchup for Summer Slam.  That’s all it can be.  And to what end?  Nobody knows.  If HHH wins, that ruins Lesnar worse than losing to Cena did.  If Lesnar wins, HHH will want a rematch or something.  I can’t take it anymore.

[caption id=”attachment_2062” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”Get used to this image. I’m using it every time they recapped this sorry sack of shit storyline.”][/caption]

Now, we get a recap from Big Show insulting Big Johnny from last week on Raw.  And we find out that Kane will be facing Big Show in what could possibly be his last match in ever and ever.

Now we get a Cena and Big Johnny arm-busting recap.

Now Punk’s music hits.  Keep in mind, all of this is going on for over 20 minutes and we have no commercial breaks so far.  Believe me, we’ll pay for this later.  As Punk makes it to the ring, we get yet another GODDAMNED RECAP only this time it’s from Punk’s handicap match vs. Lord Benihana and Daniel Bryan.

Punk watches as we watch.  Then Santino’s music comes on.  Holy Shockmaster Jesus, Punk is tag teaming with Santino Marella and they’re facing Cody Rhodes and Daniel Bryan.  Well, shit.

Still no commercials guys.  I’m worried that it’s a 20 minute show, with an hour thirty of commercials and then a quick “Hustle Loyalty Respect” from Cena and we call it a night.  Actually, I’m kind of wishing that’s how it worked out now that it’s over.

Anyhow, these guys start wrestling.  Punk and Cody are in the ring, Bryan wants no part of that wrestling shit.  Bryan is an exceptional heel.  All the while, Santino is busy dipshitting around.

This would be one time I wouldn’t mind not seeing all the participants of a tag match get into the ring.  Much like a Divas tag match really.  Santino can contribute nothing to this match.  He’s talented, but he’s such a silly character, he kind of drags the good wrestling down.

And finally.  COMMERCIALS.  Good thing, I gotta pee.

[caption id=”attachment_2063” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”I literally couldn’t find a picture of Punk and Santino in a ring together. Just imagine it.”][/caption]

We’re back and there’s Santino in the ring with Cody Rhodes.  Shit, so much for my wish of a non-participating Santino.  By the way you guys, did you know Twitter was a thing?  #ItsClobberinTime is trending WORLD-GODDAMNED-WIDE  And it pays you exactly zero dollars when it happens.  Way to promote something totally retarded Vince.

Finally Daniel Bryan tags in, and he goes to work immediately trying to kick all of the retard out of Santino.  Let me just say, I like Santino, I just don’t like him in a match that could be good.  He’s comic relief, he doesn’t belong with these three performers, no matter how many championship belts they give him to hold and walk around with.

Finally, the match winds up with a GTS by Punk on Cody while Daniel Bryan cowards his way to the back.  In all, this was a good match.  Except for the nearly five minutes of Santino being in the ring.  Sorry Santino, I love ya, but stay out of Punk/Rhodes/Bryan matches.  We cool?  Call me.

Now they inform us that the Main Event tonight with be Randy Orton vs. Chris Jericho.  Also, Cena will be here to go face to face with Big Johnny regarding the events that took place two weeks ago and their upcoming match.  Also, Big Johnny has a huge announcement that will forever change the world as we know it in the WWE.

And now, a commercial.

[caption id=”attachment_2064” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”It took me longer to find this photo than their match lasted. And I had more fun doing it.”][/caption]

We come back to find Alicia Fox in the ring.  She’ll be facing Beth Phoenix.  They’re both wearing the same outfit, only Beth’s is actually filled out with woman.  Alicia looks like a coat rack wrapped in leather.

They fight, and Layla (who will be facing Beth at Over The Limit) comes out to the stage to watch.  Beth presses Alicia over her head and drops her on her stupid face.  I’m sorry, but Alicia Fox has no business getting in a wrestling ring. When you’re not as big in diameter as the ring post, you should stay out of the ring.

Then it’s Glam Slam.  Layla applauds Beth’s win, which apparently enrages her because she goes to stomp the shit out of what’s left of Alicia.  This prompts Layla to run to the ring, slam Beth’s face in the mat and stand there jiggling her big boobs as Beth leaves.

Ugh.  Interestingly, as Layla had her moment and her music was playing and her boobs were bouncing, the arena was stone silent.  So, I guess WWE has finally achieved their goal of ruining the Divas division completely.

[caption id=”attachment_2065” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”Over 11 Million LIKES you guys! If only that were money.”][/caption]

From here, we find out that John Cena has a lot of Facebook and Twitter followers.  But did you also know he’s a Make-A-Wish ambassador and the most requested celebrity by Make-A-Wish children?  Well you’ll find out in this upcoming 10 minute promo for Make-A-Wish.

Honestly, this is a great thing.  Cena is good for the kids and the Make-A-Wish foundation.  Running this promo helps get people back on Cena’s side, since the Rock ruined his credibility and Lesnar, well let’s be honest, beat the living shit out of him a few times.  Plus, Make-A-Wish does great things.  Kudos John.

[caption id=”attachment_2062” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”I told you so.”][/caption]

Next they force feed us ANOTHER Big Show and Big Johnny recap.  The same recap we’ve already seen twice.  And we’re told that Show best be apologizing to Big Johnny unless he wants to be unemployed, facing a cold, hard world that has no use for a seven foot tall, four hundred pound, forty year old freak.  You know, except for every other entertainment company out there.  But let’s not dwell on reality.

Commercial time

[caption id=”attachment_2066” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”If only they’d let Kane beat on Zack’s Dad first. Then it would be “real” to me.”][/caption]

We come back to learn that there will be another FREE Youtube PPV Pre-show this Sunday at 7:30pm before Over The Limit.  It will feature Zack Ryder going one on one with the Big Red Machine, Kane.  I guess they’ve run out of Divas to put in a match?

[caption id=”attachment_2062” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”Sick of it yet? Imagine it lasting 3 - 4 minutes at a time. You’re getting off easy here.”][/caption]

Now we’re treated to ANOTHER GODDAMNED RECAP ABOUT BIG SHOW AND BIG JOHNNY INSULTING AND THREATENING TO FIRE ONE OF THEM FOR INSULTING THE OTHER ONE OF THEM AND NEEDING TO APOLOGIZE FOR DOING SUCH A HEINOUS THING.  Christ, even advanced stage Alzheimer’s patients don’t need this much reminding about something.  MOVE THE F*CK ON!

Big Johnny comes out with Otunga in tow.  Nice to see the coffee cup back in it’s rightful place.

Commercial!  Why?  Well, because f*ck you that’s why.

[caption id=”attachment_2067” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”Seriously. Watching someone else text is the highlight of my goddamn day.”][/caption]

We see Big Johnny Tweeting disinterestedly at ringside while Otunga hovers over his shoulder sipping coffee.  That’s what lawyers do, sip coffee wherever they are.

Out comes Big Show to face Kane.  Will Big Show get screwed in this match like he did Friday on Smackdown?  Place your bets now.

Kane comes out to the ring.  You know, I’m a big supporter of Kane, but he’s quickly becoming that weird relative that you have.   The one you have to be nice to and put up with at family functions, but mostly try to avoid at all costs.

So, Show goes on the attack, and it’s a standard Show vs. Kane match.  They eventually roll outside the ring where Show delivers one hell of a spear to Kane. It looked brutal.  They get back in the ring and as Show is about to go for the pin, Big Johnny interrupts.

He demands his apology NOW.  Which, as we all know, when you distract a professional athlete in the middle of a contest, he is immediately dumbstruck and cannot possibly concentrate on two things at once.  This leads to Kane getting a cheap win.  And Big Johnny gets in the ring to berate Big Show.

[caption id=”attachment_2068” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”This big bastard actually cried on live television. Good work Show, maybe the crowd will sympathize with you.”][/caption]

He insists on his apology.  Show tells him that ever since he started in WCW 18 years ago, he’s been able to live his dream.  He’s seen and done it all.  He could walk away now with no regrets.  But he won’t.  He’ll miss the kids, the fans, the wrestling and the wrestlers.  Please let him stay.

And they go back and forth with Johnny finally insisting that Show get down on his knees and beg for his job.  And to save you some time, Show refuses to get on his knees, instead begging him to accept his apology.  Big Johnny says he’ll reconsider it.  Which is interesting, because wouldn’t he have to consider it first?

Anyhow, he heads to the back, stops and tells Show he’s going to fire him.  Show interrupts, gets on his knees and cries like a little bitch begging for his job.  Johnny smirks and says “Best of luck on your future endeavors.  You’re fired”  Ha!  He sure showed Big Show didn’t he?  Ha!

Show cries and we go to Commercial.  Thank you God.  That segment was worse than HHH at the start of the show.  I was actually in physical pain.

[caption id=”attachment_2070” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”For reals you guys. This is sad and serious. I’m sad and serious about it. Feel bad with me.”][/caption]

As we return, Jerry Lawler is trying to tell us that this is a tragedy what happened to Big Show.  In a somber voice he confides that Show didn’t deserve that kind of humiliation and that the crowd is stunned by what just transpired.

[caption id=”attachment_2069” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”Nope. Funkasaurus is here. Big Who? What? Shut up and dance!”][/caption]

But then, AW SHIT Somebody Call My Momma!  The crowd goes apeshit and Lawler’s poignant moment is shit upon.  Even as he’s making his ring entrance with the Funkadactyls, Lawler is still trying to make us feel bad for Big Show.  He tells us how sad and shocked everyone is.  All the while, the crowd has forgotten Big Show ever existed.  The Funakasaurus is here!

This is a six-man tag match with Brodus Clay, Kofi Kingston and R-Truth facing The Miz, Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger.  Incidentally, Kofi and R-Truth will face Swaggler at Over The Limit on Sunday for the tag titles.  Poor Dolph, he deserves so much better.

And they fight, a little bit anyways.  Brodus clears the ring using his Titanium skull and we go to a commercial.

[caption id=”attachment_2071” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”Somebody call his Momma and tell her to pry this little bastard off his back!”][/caption]

That was fun wasn’t it?  But we come back and they’re going at it.  And it’s a good match.  High energy and fast paced.  It’s fun.  That’s what I like, make it fun.  But then we cut away to the Skybox Suite where A.W. is there along with Mason Ryan, Primo, Epico and Rosa.  They’re watching the match from a mile away.  And so are we because they’re filming 5 people watching the match from a mile away.

They do that again later.  It’s great TV you guys.

Anyhow, Kofi hits the S.O.S. on the Miz and Swaggler jump in to save the match.     They get pounded and dumped out of the ring, leading to Kofi hitting the Trouble in Paradise on Miz, tagging in Brodus and Miz getting a 400lb. Funk-a-splash for the win.  The darker team beat the whiter team.  That’s good diversity right there.

[caption id=”attachment_2072” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”Win over the kids and their parents money will follow.”][/caption]

Brodus has been bringing kids from the audience into the ring after his matches to dance and take a bow with him.  Let me just say this.  If Brodus has captured the hearts of these kids, he’ll be employed as the Funkasaurus for a very long time in the WWE.  And that’s a good thing.

We get a Smackdown recap from the Sheamus vs. Alberto Del Rio matchup where Orton and Jericho got involved somehow.  This is brought to you by Denny’s new Heart Attack Breakfast Special.

[caption id=”attachment_2073” align=”aligncenter” width=”230” caption=”Remember when I used to wrestle? No? Ok then.”][/caption]

Backstage, CM Punk is walking and talking with Alex Riley.  AJ approaches and A-Ry bails.  She wishes Punk good luck in his match this Sunday, to which CM Punk is telling her thanks but you’re batshit crazy.  I know Daniel Bryan, I’ve known him longer than you and I don’t trust him.  I’m not getting in the middle of your crazy stalker nonsense, so um, bye!

Christ on a cracker.  That’s horrible writing folks.  Just horrible.

Now Sheamus comes out to the ring to join commentary for the upcoming Jericho and Orton matchup.  Our Main Event.  Have you kept count?  We’ve had 4 matches prior to this point with 20 minutes left in the 2 hour show.  We’ve seen:  Punk/Santino vs. Rhodes/Bryan, Alicia Fox vs. Beth Phoenix, a Six Man Tag and Kane vs. Big Show.  That’s it.  If you don’t count the Divas, and I rarely do, that’s THREE MATCHES in 100 minutes of television.

Way to boost your ratings WWE.  Keep up the subpar work!

Anyhow, these two start wrestling, Jericho gets tossed to the floor and we go to commercial.  Because anytime a guy hits the floor and the other guy doesn’t immediately go after him, it’s a commercial break.

[caption id=”attachment_2074” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”Seriously Randy, where do you get so much spray tan?”][/caption]

They’re fighting when we come back.  I know I said earlier that Orton needs to leave for a while, just to refresh his character, but he still puts on a good match when he’s paired up with a good opponent.  Maybe it was all the Kane nonsense that soured me on the man.

I’d also like to point out that for as much shit as John Cena gets for his “5 Moves of Doom”, Randy Orton should receive just as much.  He has his own 5MOD and I’ll illustrate them for you:

1. Clothesline
2. Clothesline
3. Speed Slam
4. 2nd Rope DDT
5. RKO

Now, sometimes they’ll interrupt him between steps 3 and 4 but he never loses focus.  The first chance he gets, he goes right back to step 4.  Should they interrupt again, he might give you a dropkick or a punch, but ultimately he’ll go for step 5 to end things.

As he attempts his DDT this time, Jericho dumps him over the top rope and then throws him into Sheamus.  Orton drags him back in the ring, goes for the DDT and tries for a pin, but Sheamus yanks Jericho out of the ring and beats on him.

[caption id=”attachment_2075” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”A series of coincidences is the only way you can make two good guys fight each other.”][/caption]

This, of course, disqualifies Orton and gives Jericho the win.  This, of course, leads to a confrontation between Orton and Sheamus.  This, of course, happens because “Over The Limit” opponents.

And just when we think we might get a little physicality between these two, the refs step in and ruin it.   Bastards.

Next up, Big Johnny and John Cena go face to fact.  But first, Commercials!

[caption id=”attachment_2068” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”Technically a different recap, but it’s the same thing when you come right down to it.”][/caption]

We get a recap of the Big Show crying in the ring as he was fired.  Lawler still wants us to feel bad for him.  We still don’t feel bad for him.

In Twitter news, Eve has Tweeted (twarted?) that we will have a Sheamus vs. Orton matchup on Friday Night Smackdown.  Thank you Twitter!  How else could we have possibly learned that information while watching the live broadcast during which time this decision was made?

[caption id=”attachment_2067” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”I am seriously surprised they don’t make him text in the ring.  He could be the Textadactyl.”][/caption]

So, Big Johnny comes out and starts with his shit.  He’s full-on heel now you guys.  Read some highlights:

• I am sorry if you like John Cena.
• John Cena is a loser
• That makes YOU a loser.
• Fans of a loser are by extension, losers themselves.

Cena’s music starts and he comes out.  Jolly Green Magically Healing John Cena is back!  I have two pages of notes for what just happened, but let me be brief if I can.  Cena says:

• Desperation is a stinky cologne
• Mocks Big Johnny’s voice
• Realizes he mocked the voice and worries half-heartedly about his job.
• Calls him something they bleeped out
• Calls him a loser.

Big Johnny tries to interrupt, but each time he speaks, Cena talks over him calling him a “Loser”  ”Looooooooooserrrrrrr”  It’s childish, but it’s funny to me. And these two men literally use the term Loser at least 200 times.

This shit goes on forever, and ends with Eve interrupting them with a very important piece of paper.  Cena snatches it from Big Johnny and reads it.

It’s from the WWE Board of Directors.  Awwwww shit just got real for real.

[caption id=”attachment_2076” align=”aligncenter” width=”205” caption=”I think they should make Cena wear that hat all the time.”][/caption]

They say that the Over The Limit match with Cena will be 1 on 1.  Further, there will be no special guest referees and nobody allowed at ringside.  You can only win by pinfall or submission.  Any superstar who interferes will be terminated on the spot.

Further, if you lose to John Cena, you will be terminated on the spot.  As Big Johnny leaves and Cena’s music cues up, he has them stop the music.  Tells Big Johnny that he heard he had a world changing announcement to make.  And tells him to share it with us now.

Big Johnny slaps him and walks off.  Cena’s pissed and the show ends.

[caption id=”attachment_2077” align=”aligncenter” width=”300” caption=”Now to go drink away all traces of this from my brain.”][/caption]

JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZUS Christ.  That was awful.  See you next week!

Original Article